The Much Anticipated Christmas Letter
Good evening Everyone and welcome to SportsCenter! I’m Chris Berman, glad to be with ya. Tonight, I’m going to take you back, back, back to early last year when the FFL (Family Football League) welcomed a new expansion team, The W/F's. Pre-season critics were especially skeptical of the W/F team’s potential for success due to a complete lack of athletic ability and only sideline knowledge of the game, but the team has taken the league by surprise and has proven to be leaders in their division. Tonight we’ll take a look at what makes this team so successful.
The W/F team is lead by their indisputable coach, God, and includes quarterback, Amy, aka “The Mominator” and lead receiver, Jacob, aka “Bocaj”. The entire defensive line has been taken over by Gabriel, “The Mighty Mastiff”, and felines Jonah and Scout provide offensive support predominantly in the litter box section. The W/F team plays all home games at the Purina Pet Food Stadium in PA.
A season-long challenge for the team has been “The Mominator’s” job. Local interviews have been held, but to date, a sufficient offer has not yet been made. The team is hoping for a smooth transition into something that better fulfills Amy’s career aspirations off the field.
Lead receiver, “Bocaj” went early in the draft to the team showing excellence in the local Elementary School’s 4th grade program. I was impressed during a mid-season interview with “Bocaj”, when he expressed his ambitions of pursing a career in Science once his FFL career is over. Unlike many other athletes, Jacob is learning to play the trumpet and enjoys inventing, creating and training on his bike. He leads the FFL in NBC (number of books completed) and his stats are equally impressive in LAN (laps around the neighborhood). This guy’s a full package and is only nine! Watch out FFL, you’re going to have your hands full defending this one! With an incentive in his contract for new Star Wars Comic books, Jacob could-go-all-the-way!
Gabriel has left his mark during the season thus far, mainly on the couch, pillows, shoes and toilet paper, but fortunately gets along well with his other teammates, even Jonah and Scout (most of the time). He came into the season a little undersized, but has since tipped the scales at 200 pounds. His season on the field was most noted for BSN’s (Between Snap Naps). He is utilizing this success in contract negotiations with management. He wishes to relocate the team to Bark Park Stadium and add peanut butter sandwiches as a signing bonus. His manager, Drew Rosenthal, is good, but I don’t think he’s that good. Next Question!
The team traveled to Michigan last Christmas for an inner-league tournament over the holidays. It was a fight to just get to the field with bad weather conditions and traffic, but teams C, W, and Brother “G” were all in attendance. Although some disputes remain concerning an illegal on-side kick and an “encroachment” challenge during overtime, all agree that the tourney was a great success.
For off-season training, Jacob spent the summer months away from the team, working with trainers in Tennessee and Pittsburgh. Many hours of biking and swimming helped to get Jacob into fine football condition. The Quarterback and Lead Receiver were glad to be reunited at summer’s end in time for the start of the season and, in my humble opinion, are more united than ever.
The team has had a successful season to date and is already preparing for next year. The Swami predicts this W/F team will achieve even higher goals in 2006, including reaching the Disney Cruise Bowl next December.
From ESPN studios, I am Chris Berman, wishing you and yours a very blessed Christmas from all of us at Sports Center.
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