To All of You Who Are Breaking Off Old Friendships:

Dear Bloggers:

I saw your recent friendship vacancy listed on your blog and wish to submit my resume for consideration. Your position of “Dear Friend Extraordinaire” meets convincingly with my skills and experience with relationships. Attached, please find a list of reasons for why you should consider me as an excellent choice to not only replace the friendship you recently ended, but to surpass your expectations for a friend altogether.

The following is a list of the top ten reasons why I would make a great friend:
1. I love visitors. Last minute or planned long in advance, I love visitors. My house is your house and if you can find something edible in the fridge, you are welcome to it. If you just need a break from your house, your kids, your spouse, your job, you could stop by and hang out and relax and I wouldn’t mind a bit;
2. I’m available. I am not so super-busy in my life that you’ll find me to be an absentee friend. I’m there. I’m accessible. I can come at a moment’s notice to watch the kids while you take the dog to the vet, or to watch the dog while you take the kids to the ER. Whatever you need, I’m there. But I'm not so needy that I can't leave you alone, either. I enjoy quiet nights to myself, without lengthy phone calls or being bogged down by the problems of others. I know when to say when.
3. I know when the moment calls for a margarita, a cup of cocoa, a glass of wine, soda and popcorn or just a hug;
4. I always have tissues. With lotion. If you’re feeling sad, want to watch a great but sad movie, or just have the flu, I have tissues;
5. I don’t care what condition your house is in. You will never see me making an ugly face when I walk in the door and your sink is piled high and your carpet is the color of the dog’s fur. Not only will I not care, I’ll load your dishwasher while we talk. I’ll help you vacuum before your in-laws arrive and I’ll even take out the trash when I see that it’s full;
6. I know to bring something. When you invite me over, I’ll always bring something. Whether it’s the latest book I read that I know you’ll love, some homemade cookies or a new recipe that will accommodate your husband’s allergy to white things, I’ll have it;
7. I love kids. Mine, yours, the neighbor’s (well, sometimes the neighbor’s), I love kids. If hanging out together means we need to entertain the kids, too, all the better! If movie night means watching Ice Age 2 for the 100th time, so be it! If you can’t go out because the littlest is sick, I’ll bring over a pizza. I’ll also baby-sit so you and your man can actually have a date night this month;
8. I’m cheap. I don’t want to go into the city to the clubs and bars for girls’ night out. I don’t need to go to the movies to see a flick, either. Going to the mall doesn’t mean I’m going to spend more than $10. I’m not into designer anything, I don’t have to acquire things to make myself happy and I don’t need a restaurant with linens on the tables;
9. I’m low maintenance. You don’t need to change your clothes if I’m coming over for dinner. You don’t need to have makeup on if you want to go to the bookstore. If you need to clean out the garage and want some company, I’ll put on old jeans and throw my hair in a pony tail and be right over to help; and,
10. You don’t have to be perfect. I try to be a good Christian but I mess up. Sometimes I swear, sometimes I get obsessed about football, sometimes I feel like sleeping in instead of going to church, sometimes I get jealous or angry, and it’s okay with me if you feel those things, too. You don’t have to tip toe around me or watch yourself so that you don’t slip up and appear “un-Christian-like”. I’ll like you anyway.

I hope you’ll consider my qualifications carefully and schedule a time when we can meet in person to discuss your friendship vacancy. If, for some reason, you don’t feel that our personalities are a good match, I believe these qualifications would also make me a good girlfriend and perhaps you could pass along my resume to any single man you might be acquainted with.

Thanks again for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,
Eliza Jane