Dear Downstairs Neighbor (DN):

I am so glad we had that little chat at 6am last Saturday morning regarding your television and conversational noise that had been keeping me awake since 2am. I appreciated your lack of respect and utter denial of the situation. I can see that you truly took my concerns to heart when you had that disagreement with your boyfriend the very next evening, you remember the one. It was where you screamed into the phone that he forgot you? And how dare he forget you? I can’t imagine how it would be possible to forget someone as mature and rational as you.

I had not intended to actually sleep last night when I curled up in bed so I was glad you provided me with hours and hours of entertainment. Better yet, if I had missed any of the obscenities and insults that you screamed during the fight last week, this was a fantastic opportunity for me to get caught up and review how you truly feel about your boyfriend. From what I can gather, he’s truly a catch! (And why wouldn’t I have already thought so, what with him making the “wife beater” a new fashion trend in our neighborhood!) I can only hope that someday I can find a man who makes me sob so hysterically, while slamming closet and bedroom doors, threatening to throw his stuff away, all during the wee hours of the morning. Sigh, if only I could be so lucky.

It was after staying up so late listening to your sorrowful drama that I was most grateful for your son’s alarm going off at 6am (just like last week!) I appreciate you leaving it on to beep and beep and beep for the next hour continuously so that despite my lack of sleep, I might be up and ready for work on time – early even! Thanks so much for that special consideration. It is extra meaningful to me coming from someone who apparently never goes to work, to know you were especially considerate of my need to rise early and get out there to earn a living. Truly a selfless gesture.

DN, I can only hope that this last fight does not signify the end of your relationship with Mr. Winner and these melodramatic evenings that I have begun to treasure. It is in these intimate moments, DN, that we truly get to know the private thoughts and desires of the hearts of those (living) closest to us. What a joy it has been to share this drama with you week after week. It’s better than any Desperate Housewives episode, that’s for certain! Please be sure to include me in any future tirades that you might have, whether they are in the bedroom or in the kitchen where I know you’ve perfected the art of slamming cabinet doors! My only disappointment in the matter is that LM has missed out on these most recent episodes and has not had the privilege of such entertainment at 3am as I have.

I wish you and Mr. Winner a quick and speedy reconciliation. I certainly hope that the reunion occurs right below my bedroom so I can witness the joys as well as sorrows of this sweet relationship.

Thanks again, for your continued, thoughtful consideration.


Best regards,

Eliza Jane