to let go. To give him time to sort out his life. To give him a chance to figure out who he is now without her influence, without mine. To allow all of them to settle into their new lives.
As much as I enjoyed being with TB and as much as I loved the Rentals, his divorce was an ongoing, everyday drama. I didn't have a right to help make those decisions, nor should he give any consideration to anything but himself and the kids for each and every decision he needs to make. He has to move. He needs to downsize. He has a budget to re-work, child care to establish, ongoing tension with his ex-wife. I am a further complication to them all.
And it was a challenge for me in my independent life, to respond to a family that all needs love, reassurance and stability 24/7. They deserve it. They crave it. They need it. But I'm so used to my space, my own time. I haven't been needed like that in years. While flattering and reassuring, I was exhausted. I was drained. I felt their desire to be together all the time and I struggled to balance that with my own needs for personal space.
But I learned a lot. I learned that while I am long since past my marriage, that while I long ago dealt with the issues therein, I was not prepared to deal with a sensitive, passive, permissive man without perceiving him as weak. I had to remember at times that passivity can just be an effort to appease and impress. But it was hard. Maybe it was too hard for me. My passive, kindhearted, sensitive, permissive ex-husband turned out to be gay. It was difficult for me to look at a new situation and expect a different outcome.
I know TB's not happy with my decision. I know he thinks the divorce drama will be over sooner rather than later and that my involvement with the kids was a blessing not a complication. But I've been down that road. I've been in his shoes. I think in six months, in a year, he'll be able to look back and say, "I wasn't ready, I needed time." Or maybe I'll be wrong. Maybe despite all the distractions, challenges and obstacles, despite all the changes, disruptions and discouragement, maybe he's got it all together and is truly ready for a relationship right now. I've been wrong before.
Maybe it's me that needs time to adjust. Maybe I'm just ill-prepared to get involved at this stage in his life. Maybe it just wasn't right for me. In any case, I had a great time this summer getting to know someone new, letting someone get to know me and allowing my heart to open up to littles. I wish The Boy and The Rentals all the best. They will all remain in my prayers. My time spent with each of them was truly a blessing.