Of the Things I Regret
You've never even been there, never shared that part of my life and yet I'm reluctant each time to go. I have to force myself, laying arguments against staying in, trying to find the motivation to put myself through it once again. I return home with smoke in my hair, alcohol on my breath and lyrics still running through my head -lyrics I have been running away from since I first heard them three days ago.
How can it be that someone could write exactly what we shared? How could anyone else have the same memory they don't want to forget? How can it be that something I still see as so uniquely ours is so universally experienced? I don't want to think it, and yet I do. I don't want to think of you, and yet, I always do.
Tonight is one of those nights. One of those that I am glad that I can't just call. Glad that it's not quite so easy to drop you an email I'll regret in the morning. Glad for the distance that exists now. Glad and yet, so incredibly torn.
When will it stop? When will you be really gone? When will my heart stop racing just thinking of you? When will my mind stop rehearsing dialogues, conversations, arguments even?
When?
Where are you tonight? Where are you every day? Whatever was it that made our lives be so separate? Whatever was it that was powerful enough to last all this time? Through all this nonsense? Through so many lies? Did you hear those same words and think of me, if only for a moment?
I look at my track record and wonder who I am. One gay man, one married man, one commitment-phobic and one with such addictions and issues to not even be considered. Who am I that I have created this life? Who am I that I am defined by such a past? Who am I that I would rather now hide than face another relationship? Who am I?
Am I still the girl you loved? The one that once caught your eye? The one that was once strong, stubborn and yet mysteriously attractive in your eyes? Will I ever be her again? Do I ever truly want to be? Do I trust the power that came with being her?
At the end of all of this, I will regret so many things, but most of all tonight, with tears once again streaming down my face, I will regret most that I had to walk away. That I had to leave behind the love I wanted most. That to this day I never had you for my own. That these words will forever go unheard.
I would like to say I will regret loving you. But to do so would be a lie. And I promised myself no more of those.
How can it be that someone could write exactly what we shared? How could anyone else have the same memory they don't want to forget? How can it be that something I still see as so uniquely ours is so universally experienced? I don't want to think it, and yet I do. I don't want to think of you, and yet, I always do.
Tonight is one of those nights. One of those that I am glad that I can't just call. Glad that it's not quite so easy to drop you an email I'll regret in the morning. Glad for the distance that exists now. Glad and yet, so incredibly torn.
When will it stop? When will you be really gone? When will my heart stop racing just thinking of you? When will my mind stop rehearsing dialogues, conversations, arguments even?
When?
Where are you tonight? Where are you every day? Whatever was it that made our lives be so separate? Whatever was it that was powerful enough to last all this time? Through all this nonsense? Through so many lies? Did you hear those same words and think of me, if only for a moment?
I look at my track record and wonder who I am. One gay man, one married man, one commitment-phobic and one with such addictions and issues to not even be considered. Who am I that I have created this life? Who am I that I am defined by such a past? Who am I that I would rather now hide than face another relationship? Who am I?
Am I still the girl you loved? The one that once caught your eye? The one that was once strong, stubborn and yet mysteriously attractive in your eyes? Will I ever be her again? Do I ever truly want to be? Do I trust the power that came with being her?
At the end of all of this, I will regret so many things, but most of all tonight, with tears once again streaming down my face, I will regret most that I had to walk away. That I had to leave behind the love I wanted most. That to this day I never had you for my own. That these words will forever go unheard.
I would like to say I will regret loving you. But to do so would be a lie. And I promised myself no more of those.
Comments
In my own way, I've been there too. Can bring you right to your knees & turn you into a 2-year-old pounding your fists against Fate, and screaming "Why???" Been there. And unfortunately, I know I will be again.
And for the record, I hate when I hear my thoughts & emotions playing out at me through the radio. I always feel like I should be able to have some sort of say in my personal feelings being shared -- or at least be able to collect royalties. I mean, there's no way they didn't tap into my head to get them. It's just not possible. Grey's Anatomy does that to me too. I swear they created Meredith by secretly following me around.
Then you hear that song. The one that immediately takes you back and sends all those hopes, dreams and regrets rushing back.
You could change the station but you don't. You listen, you feel those emotions that you tucked deep down inside.
Without a doubt those moments are the roughest and we've all experienced at one point in our lives.
You are strong, you are wonderful and you have so much to offer. There is someone out there for you.
I just know it.
~hugs to you~
And, yes. It totally freaks me out when I hear the radio talking to me!