Just A Swingin'

Tonight was a beautiful night. Just cool enough without being at all cold. Sun shining. Feels like autumn without looking like winter just yet. When I arrived home, Gabe peeked at me and then ran into the living room – an immediate sign of trouble. I thought I noticed a hint of “fluff” on the stairs and sure enough he had eaten a throw pillow and two of Jacob’s books. He knew he was in trouble and laid in his bed for awhile until I calmed down. Since he hasn’t done this in many many months, I took it as a sign that he was asking for attention, so we headed off to the park.

I love going to the park with pup. There are oodles of little pee-wee football teams practicing, moms and dads sitting on the sidelines watching their boys practice ball and the girls practice cheering. (Don’t email me about women’s rights on this one, it’s too Pollyanna). Kids flock to Gabe. They have no fear of this 200 pound dog, they run right over shouting “can I pet your dog, pleeeeeaaase?” For me, who loves kids and dogs alike, it’s a win-win. However…. As I stood surrounded by kids just after arriving at the park, one of the kids shouted “Hey! There’s a little dog!” and I turn around and there is LISA. (insert scary music here.)

Lisa is my neighbor. I met her last spring out walking my dog. Over the course of the summer, I hung out with Lisa from time to time, mainly to go walking around the neighborhood and get our dose of girl-talk squeezed into our lives. She would invite me over to hang out with friends of hers, for a glass of wine at the end of the day or to sit at the pool while he son went swimming. It didn’t take long to realize that Lisa was extremely candid, open and remarkably uninhibited. I knew more about her than I was prepared to know in such a short amount of time.

Anyways, long story to short, I had a lightbulb moment with Lisa one night while walking around the neighborhood. She was talking to me about the vacation she had just returned from with her husband and son. They had spent a week with some of both of their families in Virginia in a house they had rented. She talked about how she and her husband went on a dinner cruise together one night, just the two of them, then progressed to a strip club, then back to the pool at the house with another couple for some skinny-dipping. I’m not always the quickest to pick up on these sorts of things, but I started to see all the conversations adding up and realized that Lisa and her husband were perhaps the first “swingers” I had met, and I feared beyond all fears that the next thing out of her mouth was going to be an invitation.

Call me conservative, call me a Midwestern freak of a girl, call me whatever, but this isn’t for me. I had to break off this friendship. I just didn’t know how. She kept calling and calling, and she’d stop by all the time to see if I wanted to hang out. Finally, one night, she must have rung my doorbell 3 times within an hour span and I finally went to the door with the phone in my hand explaining I was on the phone with my dad (lie). She held up a bottle of wine and looked sadly pitiful asking if I wanted to ‘catch up’. I explained that I was on the phone, and that I was headed out to play poker in 10 minutes (truth! Whew!) She looked absolutely defeated. I felt horrible. I wasn’t sure what to do.

I asked the advice of several people and they all came to the conclusion that she was not on the same page as I am and I needed to find a way to end this. A couple days later, when I knew she wasn’t home (cause I’m a wuss), I called her home phone and left a message saying how much I appreciated her efforts to hang out and such but I had really gotten busy lately and Jacob was going to be home next week and then school was starting and I just rambled on and on with some incoherent excuse for basically why I didn’t think we could really hang out anymore. I hate lying, I loathe lying. But I just couldn’t bring myself to say, “I’m not a swinger and I’m uncomfortable hearing about your lifestyle.” Anyways, not a word since. No calls, no knocks, nothing. I figured she realized at the very least that I just wasn’t interested anymore and let it be.

Until tonight. It’s been well over a month since I last saw her. Tonight, in order for her to have been that closely behind me when I arrived at the park, she must have followed me most of the way. I’m thinking that she probably saw me walk past her house, and knowing Lisa like I do, grabbed her dog and came running out hoping to strike up a conversation. Trust me, she’s like that. I was frozen at the park, not knowing what to say. Something deep inside me forced me to say aloud, “I’m going to go this other way, I don’t think Gabe will handle your dog well tonight” (true). Whew, I walked away and never looked back.

Call me lame, call me a wimp, I just don’t have the heart sometimes to tell the truth if I know it’s painful. And maybe just maybe Lisa doesn’t want anything more from me than a friendship but I’m not ready for any more sexual confusion in my life. I’ve had my fill. If she wants her husband to stop by a certain bar on the way home to check out a certain “hot bartender” (female) so be it. I just don’t need to be in on all that.

The moment I walked into my house tonight, the phone rang. I waited for the machine to pick up but they hung up on the third ring. Three times. I think Gabe’s going to have to fill in as my best friend for a little while. Considering my alternatives, I’m really okay with that.

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