Adulting
The last two holiday seasons have been different around here. We've always been accustomed to sharing Jacob with his dad's side of the family and most of our family lives quite a distance, so generally speaking, our holidays have always been pretty quiet and low-key. The last two seasons haven't been different in that regard, but they've taken on a new feel. While Jacob's girlfriend has been part of our celebrations for several years, it's only the last two years that she has stayed here for the entire time Jacob is here. I admit, I underestimated the effect that would have on our family dynamics. It's not that we don't like his girlfriend, don't get me wrong, but there's a different feel to our interactions and she brings a new set of expectations, habits and attitudes to a pre-existing family dynamic.
I spoke with my dad about it recently. It might be stereotypical to say he's the wise one in our family, but he is one of the most rational, reasonable, level-headed people I know. He reminded me that the "kids" as I call them, are "adulting". "They are learning how to be adults," he reminded me. The conversation has stuck with me for the past several days. I realized today that my dad, in all his wisdom, let me vent and discuss and never once did he remind me that I had to practice "adulting" way back then, too. (I dare say I am still "adulting" on a regular basis even now!) While he didn't say it, I'm sure my dad could come up with all kinds of examples of ways I disrupted our "pre-existing family dynamics" once I became a 20-something, especially after I was married and had Jacob.
I realize I probably owe my out-laws (former in-laws) a huge apology for upsetting their family dynamics when I dated and then married their son. I did not fit their mold and sarcasm was a cuss word in their house so I have no doubt whatsoever that I upset the proverbial apple cart often and sometimes perhaps with force. I certainly didn't mean to. I was "adulting" as my dad says, and it took me a long time to learn how to do that well (again, still not so good at it at times).
I also realized how much adjusting Jacob had to do when James came into our lives. While I welcomed him emphatically with open arms, I'm sure there were times when our family dynamics shifted and Jacob probably felt the shift more than we did.
I guess in all of this, what I am learning is that perhaps we are all "adulting" and learning to embrace the new ideas, experiences and expectations of someone new to our family is part of that process - and a good part. If it's any consolation, James' mother thinks I hung the moon, so perhaps I did learn a thing or two along the way about how to adjust to pre-existing family dynamics and not to rock the boat so much. In any case, as The Mister and I adjust our holiday expectations and learn all the nuances of being empty-nesters, I hope we continue to remind ourselves of how new we once were to the adult world and we help our kids navigate those waters with as few ripples as possible. After all, that's part of being an adult, right?
I spoke with my dad about it recently. It might be stereotypical to say he's the wise one in our family, but he is one of the most rational, reasonable, level-headed people I know. He reminded me that the "kids" as I call them, are "adulting". "They are learning how to be adults," he reminded me. The conversation has stuck with me for the past several days. I realized today that my dad, in all his wisdom, let me vent and discuss and never once did he remind me that I had to practice "adulting" way back then, too. (I dare say I am still "adulting" on a regular basis even now!) While he didn't say it, I'm sure my dad could come up with all kinds of examples of ways I disrupted our "pre-existing family dynamics" once I became a 20-something, especially after I was married and had Jacob.
I realize I probably owe my out-laws (former in-laws) a huge apology for upsetting their family dynamics when I dated and then married their son. I did not fit their mold and sarcasm was a cuss word in their house so I have no doubt whatsoever that I upset the proverbial apple cart often and sometimes perhaps with force. I certainly didn't mean to. I was "adulting" as my dad says, and it took me a long time to learn how to do that well (again, still not so good at it at times).
I also realized how much adjusting Jacob had to do when James came into our lives. While I welcomed him emphatically with open arms, I'm sure there were times when our family dynamics shifted and Jacob probably felt the shift more than we did.
I guess in all of this, what I am learning is that perhaps we are all "adulting" and learning to embrace the new ideas, experiences and expectations of someone new to our family is part of that process - and a good part. If it's any consolation, James' mother thinks I hung the moon, so perhaps I did learn a thing or two along the way about how to adjust to pre-existing family dynamics and not to rock the boat so much. In any case, as The Mister and I adjust our holiday expectations and learn all the nuances of being empty-nesters, I hope we continue to remind ourselves of how new we once were to the adult world and we help our kids navigate those waters with as few ripples as possible. After all, that's part of being an adult, right?
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