Thursday, March 10, 2011

Lost

I don't blog about school. While I am entertained every single day by my nine-year olds, I just think it's an off-limits topic to post on a blog.

But today I ache. Today I mourn. Today I'm finding it difficult to cope.

I have a boy in my class who has the roughest of lives - the ones you read about and shake your head and wonder how children in these situations survive at all. He was held back in second grade, and so despite his low academic abilities, he will keep being promoted on - he will keep being propelled forward, forever lost, and losing ground.

He is a tough child. Rough around all the edges, he has walls around him for very good reason. And yet, he is a softie. Show him your boundaries, hold him accountable and he will not only respect you but come to admire you. Show him you care and he will hold tight to you forever.

And oh how I care.

But tomorrow he will leave me. Tomorrow, he will change custody. From a mother who never should have been given him in the first place, to a father that has hardly been involved. And with the change comes a change in schools. Away from me.

And so I ache. And so I cry. And so I get angry that he is leaving.

I worry. I worry that he will become a behavior problem in his next school - full of walls, with the attitude to push everyone away, will he let another teacher help him get where he needs to be? I worry.

I worry that he will never gain ground on all that he's lost. I worry that he will get to a point where giving up is easier than fighting for knowledge. Where following in mom's footsteps is the only path he knows. The path to drugs and to jail.

I worry.

I don't know how to face tomorrow. I don't know how to say goodbye to this child. I have packed a bag full of flashcards and school supplies and every little thing I think that might help him for today. But I won't be there tomorrow.

And so I pray.

For one little boy and his messed up life. For parents that aren't sure how to do just that. And for a teacher that doesn't know just how to let go.

2 comments:

Hillary said...

Oh, my dear bloggy friend. My heart aches for you. I know that feeling all too well. My school is full of those kids. I have an entire class full of kids whose stories I only begin to know, but if I stop and think of the little I do, my heart breaks.

Pray for your little kiddo. He is never out of reach of God's hand and His plan. I'll pray for you as you let go and as you mourn. I know that feeling all too well.

Hugs to you. You are an amazing teacher. Never doubt the difference the love you show on your kids will make in their lives. You have been building far more than you can see.

Katrina said...

Your tender heart does you credit. You're the kind of teacher all parents hope their kids will get! I have no doubt that God has used you to touch this child's life in a way that matters, and that He will continue to reach out to him through His people wherever he goes. I'm so sorry you're having to say goodbye without seeing or knowing the end of his story, but I know you'll be covering him in prayer. I'll say a prayer, too.