Sunday, March 28, 2010

Flash is gone for the week. Which means:

a) I was able to grocery shop with a basket instead of a cart, check out in the 12 items or less aisle and get out of the market for $22.

b) The food I bought at the market will actually stay in the house until I get around to eating it.

c) The house is far too quiet.

In regards to c), I was on hulu.com looking for something to entertain me this evening and found some silly show I'd never heard of. I start the pilot episode (thinking 24 episodes should keep me busy for a few days, right?) and I realize IT'S THAT GUY!! You know the one, the guy with the absolutely amazing smile from Catch and Release?! The amazing rebel boy that she falls in love with?! Oh, I love that man's smile!!

Okay, so...

d) I've got to go. I've got a boy to drool over. And no one here to tell me that I cannot use the word "yummy" to describe a man.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Growing Together

"Time to work in the garden?"

"Yep."

"All right. What's our goal going to be for tonight? I say, let's make it all the way to the corner."

"All the way to the corner? That's more than just optimistic, that's crazy!"

"I know, but we can do it!"

"Okay, if you say so!"

...

"My arms are going to fall off."

"You can do it! Keep going!"

...

"Seriously? The corner?"

"Come on, it's not that far!"

"Not that far? You're not the one digging up each and very square inch of sod out here!"

"No, but I'm the one hauling every single square inch of sod off to the pile!"

"True."

...

"I don't think I am going to make it. It's getting really cold out here and I'm exhausted!"

"We don't have that much further to go! Come on! Don't make me go all 'bootcamp' on you!"

"Don't make me stab this weeding tool in your eye."

...

"Seriously? Are you sure we can't just stop here? I'm freezing!"

"Nope! We're so close! Come on!! Just a little bit further!!"

...

"I'm so cold and tired."

"I know, but after this, you can take a long hot shower while I get dinner together. We're having steaks tonight!"

...

"How long do you think the car thing is going to take tomorrow night?"

"Why?"

"Because I'm thinking, if we can get back home by 6ish, we could get that last chunk of the sod done tomorrow."

"Are you crazy?"

"It'd be nice to have it all done."

"Well, yes, but it's going to be cold!"

"So, that'll motivate us to move a little faster!"

"You are nuts."

...

"There. That's it. We reached the corner. I'm going in to thaw now."

"We did it!! Woohoo!! Good job!! Go take a hot shower and I'll get dinner started!"

...

It was later, when I was curled up under my blanket on the couch, after filling my belly with delicious steak and watching a great movie together, that I thanked Flash. It's his comments that are in bold, afterall, not mine. Not that I was as cynical or quite as pessimistic as it reads, but he was certainly the cheerleader and the one who pushed on this third night of digging up sod. I told him how proud I was of him. Of his work ethic out there in the yard. That he really impressed me by not grumbling once this week, even though I know this garden isn't his passion. I told him how much it touched me that when I ran upstairs to change my clothes, he got right outside so he could get a "head start" on me. He has worked his tail off hauling the sod to the pile in five gallon buckets.

This garden has been a dream of mine for a very very long time. But I had no idea that in addition to the amazing veggies and flowers that would grow there, so would my relationship with my boy. In just the few days we've been out there this week, covered in dirt, cold to the bone, my boy and I have laughed together, teased each other, talked about touchy, difficult topics. He doesn't get paid for helping me in the garden. He didn't get a shorter list of chores for the week in exchange. He's been out there because he loves me.

And I made certain he knew how precious that gift was to me.

Very precious indeed.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Safe

He did it more than any other that I've dated. Perhaps because the situation just lent itself to it more often, but I think in part, because he knew it meant the world to me.

It was a simple gesture, one that might get overlooked after years in a relationship, but it always caught me off-guard; not the gesture itself, but the way it made me feel. He would come up behind me and wrap his arms around me and just stand there, holding me, without saying a word. I remember it most often as I was in the kitchen cooking, but he would do it while we waited on a table at a restaurant, too. The moment I felt his arms around me, I always had to stop whatever it was that I was doing. The emotion it caused in me was so strong, I wanted to savor it, to relish it, to close my eyes and take it all in. I would lean my head back against him and exhale.

He never said a word.

He didn't need to. I could hear him loud and clear. There wasn't a bone in my body that didn't understand his message, that didn't understand his intention.

"I've got you," the embrace said. "Go ahead and fall."

It's no simple or common thing to feel that safe. There aren't many times in my life that I have felt that secure with someone else. But in that moment, if only sometimes in that moment, I felt safer than I ever had. I could exhale. Truly. I could stand and feel arms around me - arms willing to hold me up, if need be. To hold me tight, to hold me back, to just hold. In that enclosure, I felt free.

It wasn't just a promise of security from being alone. It wasn't just something that said, "I'm here." It was a moment that told me that I didn't have to take care of it all. I didn't have to be everything. "I've got you," meant he had whatever it was that I might need. If that was nothing more than a hug, he was there. If that meant I needed someone to make some serious decisions with me, he was there.

I've thought about that a lot recently; maybe just because it doesn't happen anymore. But I have come to realize that the embrace was a far different experience for him. There's no real way in that sort of embrace for me to have wrapped my arms similarly around him. Even if I tried to replicate it, our size difference would have made it an awkward experience instead of an enveloping one. For him, perhaps, it filled the masculine desire to provide, to give safety, to give security, to give strength. Perhaps just my head falling back against him was enough for him to feel as cared for. I'll never really know.

But of the things I miss most about being in a serious relationship, this is high on the list.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

As If The Evening Hadn't Been Emotional Enough Already

We were at the house of a dear friend the other night, for my church small group. It had been a tough discussion and my friend and I had sat afterwards talking (and crying) through some of the tough stuff I was struggling with, not the the least of which involved my desire for someone wonderful to come into our lives. Flash had spent the evening corrupting the minds of small children, namely my friend's two youngest, two boys aged four and two.

As we were leaving, my friend thanked Flash for coming along and playing with the little ones. It's no small thing to her that he comes along to help with the kids when the other teenage boys get together at another house for the evening. Flash shook off the compliment with a typical teenage, "no problem," and then stopped to say to her how he envied her six year old son.

Caught off guard, my friend looked at Flash quizzically, wondering how it could be that Flash might say such when it was obviously her six year old who is completely enraptured with Flash.

"You're jealous of K?" she asked Flash.

"Absolutely." He replied in all seriousness. "I'm envious because K has a little brother."

From a Movie, but Feels so True

"I've got lots of people to do something with. I just don't have anyone to do nothing with."

Sigh.

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Concert #2

I don't have any pictures. That was my sister's job. (Note: I didn't even take my own camera to the McGraw concert, we just used Jacob's little one. I didn't want to spend the night obsessed with pics...I just wanted to savor the moment in real time!) But let me just say that while I could do without Trace Adkins altogether, Martina McBride can sing like no one else can. She is talented beyond measure, beautiful inside and out and put on a terrific show! I'm so glad we got free tickets (and upgraded once we got there, even!) and that my sister joined me for the evening! What a great time!

In a Word

Rocked.


Yummy.


Awesome. (Lady A)

Thrilled.

*As a side note: During the concert, Tim sat with stool and guitar to play a few tunes. He chatted with the crowd while he rolled his cuffs so they wouldn't interfere with the guitar playing. Only he couldn't get his left cuff button undone. He finally said, "Can someone help me with this?" and a girl jumped up on stage faster than you could blink and he signaled her over and she unbuttoned his cuff for him so he could roll up his shirt sleeve. The girl sitting next to Flash and I about lost her mind at this. All I can say is this girl will forever get to say that she unbuttoned Tim McGraw's shirt! What a claim to fame!! LOL

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Published With Permission

We were just chatting after school while I checked email and graded some papers. I didn't even realize we were dancing around an issue until he said, "I'll tell you at dinner." I stopped and looked at Flash trying to discern if the topic was going to be a good one or not. "Why not just tell me now?" I asked. "Nope. I've got it all planned out. It will have to wait for dinner." I tried to get him to budge, but clearly the topic was off-limits until I had food on the table.

I got up and went to the kitchen to cook.

When there was food in front of him, Flash said with a coy smile, "HALT!" - our phrase for Highs and Lows and Thankfulness at the table. I gave him a "mom-look" and said my low of the day was that I had to wait to hear whatever Flash's great news was. We both chuckled. Flash's low had something to do with Science (I think. It's all a little fuzzy now.)

We moved right on to highs as my brain began thinking through to possibilities. I had already figured out that since it was Tuesday and Tuesdays meant English gifted class with the Object of His Affection, I had no doubt the news had something to do with The Girl. The smile on his face confirmed it. I gave him a look.

"Well, it's official, Mom. I've kissed my first girl. And it was way better than how you said your first kiss with a boy was."

"What did you do, kiss her in class?!" I asked, almost afraid to know the answer.

"No! We all went to the WMU library today in class to do research for our conspiracy-theory papers and so..."

"...you took her back into the stacks and kissed her. I see how you work."

Flash laughed. He was full of confidence and courage and he was officially wearing the shield of nothing-can-harm-me-because-a-girl-digs-me. It was cute. I have to admit.

I know this means the world to Flash. It's a milestone he's been anxiously hoping for and he's just tickled to have finally arrived.

I don't expect for one minute that I'll be privvy to many more of such milestones (and I'm thankful for that). But it was a special and sweet moment with my boy. I hope it's a long while before his heart gets broken.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Well, Scratch has been scratched.

Sigh.

It's the right thing, but the hard thing. Faith just isn't something I will compromise on and we were just too far apart in that area to make anything work. I would rather be alone for all the right reasons than with someone for all the wrong ones (at least most days).

This news will be perhaps most devastating to TB (you remember TB?) who was quite convinced from my previous blog posts that Scratch and I were soon to wed. (?!?!?) Sorry to disappoint, TB. You're the only one who is soon to wed. Feel free to stop reading my blog at any point. I'm sure your fiancee would appreciate it. I know I would.

On a related note, (to dating, NOT to TB) I think I'm going to take dating lessons from Flash. So far, he has wowed his girl with...sock puppets and now he is constructing an alien-blocking tin foil cap for the class he shares with this girl. I'm not sure which scares me more, the fact that he is unabashedly creating these things without any fear of embarrassment in front of the object of his affection or the fact that after having seen (and perhaps smelled) his sock puppets (and soon his conspiracy-theory hat), she still digs my boy.

I'll have to get back to you on which one it is. I'm a little busy tonight making a hat and puppets to impress my next suitor...