Friday, April 22, 2011

How Those Gifted Classes Pay Me Back

Flash is in driver's training. It's four nights a week for three weeks plus several additional hours of behind-the-wheel time so suffice it to say, I'm not home much these days. I was giving some extra attention to the dog the other night, feeling badly for being gone so much. "I'm sorry I can't take you to driver's training," I apologized. "They wouldn't let you drive anyway, I'm afraid. They require opposable thumbs, and reaching the pedals might be a bit difficult for you..."

Flash got a quizzical look on his face before throwing in his encouraging remark to Eli. "But what if he was someone's seeing-eye dog?! Then he could go to....oh, wait..."

Yep, that's gifted classes in action right there folks.

Monday, April 11, 2011

For Those Who Asked

The Boy (and I)

(and I only look hugely fat because I just ate three meals in one at Olive Garden to celebrate my dad's 65th birthday! - yeah, that's it...)

Birdy and George

I just so love this picture.

They Do What?!

My folks generously offered to take the grandkids to Washington, D.C. over spring break. Flash was already scheduled to see his dad, but 14 year-old Birdy and 10 year-old George were excited about a trip to the nation's capital. Of all the things on their trip that my folks anticipated becoming conversation topics, the protestors outside the capital were not one of them. Their signs read: which of course, prompted George to ask: "What tip?" Ahh, the controversy of circumcision must now be explained to the boy who still believes farts are hysterical. My folks hung in the conversation long enough (much to Birdy's dismay and protestations) but finally relented with the trite, "Ask your father." Which George took to mean, "Ask your mother the minute you walk in the door at home." He was not amused when he learned what the process involved. He was even less amused when his mother shared that George is, in fact, circumcised. Controversy, indeed.

Monday, April 04, 2011

Speaking of Overheard

It's spring break, which means that we parents have a project list a mile long paired with the strong desire to take advantage of as many Date Nights as possible while the kids are away. Jules and Bear are no exception. Taking advantage of a gift card I gave them for Christmas, they went out to dinner this weekend at a local Mexican restaurant. Jules sent me a picture text of their meal and an explanation that it was a "tapas place" so I didn't think the portions were just skimpy. When I read her text aloud to WG, excited that they were enjoying their night out, WG gasped, "Casa Bolero is a topless restaurant?!" Ah, men. Gotta love 'em.

It Makes Sense to Them

While grocery shopping with the family, George saw a grape on the floor that someone had stepped on and said, "that looks like a squished testicle. I wonder where that came from." Without even pausing, he answered his own question with, "I bet they fell out of someone's purse." Jules and Bear make note: if you're going to routinely say that a certain friend's wife carries his balls around in her purse, be prepared for George to interpret that at will.

Overheard

My second mom was having a conversation with G's girlfriend down in TN. They were in the kitchen talking, when Dad and G came into the room, entering into a conversation already well-underway. What Dad and G heard was my second mom explaining to D: "So if your honey gets hard - and mine does all the time - there's a very easy way to get it soft again. You can just put it in the microwave and it softens right up!" Again, when having these conversations, it is best to not have them within earshot of any male. They just don't take it right at all.

Too Good To Be True

You knew it would happen. Sooner or later it always does. No matter how hard you fight it, or how long you try to stay in denial, it was bound to happen. Some things are just too good to be true and WG is one of them. He buys flowers because "it was a gloomy day". He plans mysterious outings and takes me for day trips to the lake and antique shopping. He offers to grill samon for me because I don't know how to do it. He says he'll help level my stove, fix the side garage door and the weather stripping on the front door next time he's here. He likes the same movies, the same food and the same lazy Sunday afternoons as I do. He has gone to church with me for a month straight and even signed the registry this week. He is amazed with my cooking and baking. When we made plans to go to a Red Sox v. Tigers game, he made certain to include Flash. Sigh. I knew it was too good. I knew it couldn't possibly be real. I knew that sooner or later something would come up that would be a deal breaker. How could a guy so great be single?! I was prepared for all the usual scenarios - to find out he still calls his mother routinely for advice; that he isn't quite over his ex; that he has two kids by three different mothers; that he's eight months into his recovery from addiction - but it was none of the obvious things. We got past all the initial red flag zones with ease, I was very nearly to the point of thinking this might just be the one to last - Until now. I don't think it's something we can move past. I don't think it's something that I can see myself living with on a daily basis. While I adore this man, I think we have come to the deal-breaking impasse: WG loves coconut. How will we ever go on? :)