They Say That Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

I didn't break up with TB rashly, nor did I do it without reason.  I don't regret my decision for a moment, but in the past week I've found that it's terribly hard to love someone and know that you have to let them go.  The idea that men and women can be friends after a breakup might be true for some, but I think that takes time and a very mature attitude on both parts.

TB is going through a really tough time with his divorce and on Friday, in an email, I realized he had received further bad news and he was very nearly going to self-destruct.  My heart broke.  I felt badly for having added to his pain.  I felt anguish for his kids and all they are going through.  I feared for his anger and the decisions he seemed on the verge of making.

I drove over, leaving LM to his PlayStation briefly.   TB assured me he was fine, but his anger was bubbling over.  I don't think he was happy to see me, but I went in anyway and hugged the kids and tried in whispers to keep him from doing something that would damage his chances of keeping his kids.  His ex was due any moment to pick up the kids and in an angry reaction to court papers he had received earlier that day he was prepared to teach her a lesson.  Perhaps one meant to prove something to me as much to her.  His desire to not be seen as passive translated into justified anger.  But is was a decision that might cost him more dearly in the end.

By the time she arrived, TB seemed somewhat better.  After he exchanged the kids and a few not-to-be-repeated words, he sat and shook his head.  How could it be this bad?  How could it have reached this point?  Why must he fight it all alone?  I had no answers, only a hug and reassurance that he's not alone.  I reminded him that he believes in a God that is stronger and more powerful and more righteous than he.  He cried and lamented over the fate of his life and the current state of his heart.

In a further effort to save him from himself (and perhaps from a few too many beers) I told him we were all going out.  It felt like the natural, friendly thing to do - as opposed to leaving him alone to wallow and drink and allow his anger to fester.  We went to my house, picked up LM and we all went bowling, mini-golfing and even rode the go-karts.  TB (and LM) laughed and had fun, and at least for a moment, the issues at court were put to the back of the mind.

But in an effort to care, in an effort to help the kids, by all going out, I sent a mixed message.  And so, after some heartfelt text messages from TB later, I needed, for the second time, to tell TB that I still don't want to date, I don't think this is the time, and I really don't think I'm the right girl for him.  

I know I have to just walk away.  I know I have to let go and just let God work this one out.  Especially for the mess his divorce is in right now.  There isn't a doubt in my mind that I am a further complication to his life at this time.  But it's hard to care for someone and then just shut it off when you realize the timing is horrible, or the relationship isn't what it should be.  It's hard when you realize your compassion is further confusion.  

And so now I struggle.  I want to go to church with LM, but it's TB's church.  And while cleaning out LM's closet this week, I put together a box full of goodies I know The Rentals would love, but I can't give it to them.  And while I realize we are all adults and should be able to handle this well, I also know how TB feels and I would like to stop being one of the people who makes life so hard for him right now.  

I don't think it's the breaking up that's hard to do, it's the turning off of all that you felt that doesn't come so easily.