A Word to the Single Male
Joe is a forty-something divorced man with a Master’s degree, career in his field and an excellent relationship with his 12 year old son. He’s funny and clever, a baseball fanatic and easy to get along with. We’ve been friends for the past 5 years or so and through that time I have listened to the ebb and flow of Joe’s dating life. He has an ad on nearly every internet site and has dated several women throughout the past few years some with more optimism than others. When Joe is in a relationship, I don’t hear much from him. When he’s single again, he’ll shoot me an email to just say hello. Last night was such an email. His last relationship has ended and he’s back “on the prowl” as it would seem, but growing more and more anxious over the possibility of ever meeting the “right woman”. He wondered aloud to me whether there just wasn’t something terribly wrong with him that makes it impossible to find and keep a great woman. (And before you even think it, Joe and I are not well-suited for each other. We make great friends and that’s all. And I’m really happy with that.)
His sentiment is one I’ve heard before from other men who seem to me to be perfectly wonderful, normal, charming men who just happen to still be single. I wanted to perhaps address this feeling from the side of the single woman.
I speak to those men out there who are single, independent, charming, and full of humor and life. Attractive in their own right (we all are, aren’t we?), who have a head on their shoulders and a soft spot in their heart – I say to all of you, “there is nothing wrong with you.”
You are not single because of some personal defect or flaw. You are not alone in your life because of something you’ve done or didn’t do. You are not curling up in a king size bed by yourself because of your lack of hygiene or your abysmal housekeeping skills, you are not single for any of these reasons that you tell yourself on Saturday nights when you watch the world couple itself up and go off without you.
She is out there. She is next door, or down the street or around the world, but she is out there. She just isn’t ready for you yet. Maybe she’s just come out of a relationship that has left her scared or hopeless or fragile. Maybe she is focused on her career and not on her heart. Maybe her concentration is on her children and their needs and she hasn’t paused to look around to fill her own yet. She is out there, she just needs time. You are perfect for her. Just the way you are. She just needs time to be ready for all that you have to offer. She’s working on it. She’s learning from that last relationship so she doesn’t drag you down with unfinished business. She’s tidying up the baggage that she’s accumulated so it’s neater and tidier and left under the bed and not out in the open when she sets her eyes upon you. She won’t ever be perfect, but she’ll be a better partner if she can take this time to work these things out.
So when you’re sitting there alone at the bar, or when you’re out walking at dusk without a hand to hold, please know that she’s working on it. She’s trying to get it all together so that your relationship will be built on a solid, lasting foundation. This absence, this time apart has nothing to do with your inabilities. She will love you just the way you are. And one of these days, when you finally do come together at the same page at the same time, she will be ready for you to love her just the way she is, too. And she will be so touched that you waited for her to get it right. Believe me.
His sentiment is one I’ve heard before from other men who seem to me to be perfectly wonderful, normal, charming men who just happen to still be single. I wanted to perhaps address this feeling from the side of the single woman.
I speak to those men out there who are single, independent, charming, and full of humor and life. Attractive in their own right (we all are, aren’t we?), who have a head on their shoulders and a soft spot in their heart – I say to all of you, “there is nothing wrong with you.”
You are not single because of some personal defect or flaw. You are not alone in your life because of something you’ve done or didn’t do. You are not curling up in a king size bed by yourself because of your lack of hygiene or your abysmal housekeeping skills, you are not single for any of these reasons that you tell yourself on Saturday nights when you watch the world couple itself up and go off without you.
She is out there. She is next door, or down the street or around the world, but she is out there. She just isn’t ready for you yet. Maybe she’s just come out of a relationship that has left her scared or hopeless or fragile. Maybe she is focused on her career and not on her heart. Maybe her concentration is on her children and their needs and she hasn’t paused to look around to fill her own yet. She is out there, she just needs time. You are perfect for her. Just the way you are. She just needs time to be ready for all that you have to offer. She’s working on it. She’s learning from that last relationship so she doesn’t drag you down with unfinished business. She’s tidying up the baggage that she’s accumulated so it’s neater and tidier and left under the bed and not out in the open when she sets her eyes upon you. She won’t ever be perfect, but she’ll be a better partner if she can take this time to work these things out.
So when you’re sitting there alone at the bar, or when you’re out walking at dusk without a hand to hold, please know that she’s working on it. She’s trying to get it all together so that your relationship will be built on a solid, lasting foundation. This absence, this time apart has nothing to do with your inabilities. She will love you just the way you are. And one of these days, when you finally do come together at the same page at the same time, she will be ready for you to love her just the way she is, too. And she will be so touched that you waited for her to get it right. Believe me.
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I'm married and have hygiene issues.
- T-bone