Speaking the Language

When my son was 18 months old, my husband and I took a parenting class. During the class we were introduced to a book called “The Five Love Languages” by Chapman (if I remember correctly.) The ideas in this book have been enlightening to me in all my relationships and have really helped me to be a better friend, mother, relative and girlfriend.

I encourage you to find and read the book, but by way of introduction:

The premise of the book is that there are 5 general ways in which people tend to express and understand love from one another. It varies from person to person, but for the most part, we all have one primary language and perhaps a secondary language for love. That is to say, that there is one predominant way that we tell people we love them and that we understand from them that we are loved back.

The love languages, as stated by Chapman are:

1. Physical Touch
2. Quality Time
3. Gifts
4. Words of Encouragement/Appreciation
5. Acts of Service

Now, don’t get me wrong. We might all translate “I love you” to mean “I love you” but we don’t all necessarily see the act of our significant other taking out the trash as a sign of their love for us.

When we first were introduced to this idea, my husband quickly wrote down on a piece of paper “gifts – you” and handed it to me. It seemed SO obvious!! I love giving gifts and I love getting gifts and he and I both thought that must be me. But after awhile I realized that’s NOT me, and when I realized my true love language, it made so many things clear in my life.

I am a “Quality Time” girl. That means I feel loved when people choose to spend time with me. And I express love by spending time with people. I used to drive home from college to surprise my mom. I have driven 12 hours to Michigan and not told my sister I was coming. Likewise, I can remember so vividly examples where someone in my life has given me their time and it has meant the world. The reason my husband and I thought that I was a “gift” person was because when someone gives a gift, they have invested time and thought into it. So when I give gifts to my friends, I’m really giving them my time. And likewise, when someone picks out something just for me, I am delighted to know they spent the TIME to do so. So, a gift, a letter, a visit, a call, all tell me that someone cares.

My sister is an “Acts of Service” woman. For her birthday, if you gave her a certificate for a free house cleaning she would be thrilled! The fact that Bear takes care of everything to do with her car is a way that she knows that he loves her. When you go to her house, if you help load her dishwasher, or help fix a meal it means a lot. Likewise, when she comes to my house, she DOES things. She cleans, she fixes, she tells Bear to hang shelves for me… she wants to give me her service. Whenever my sister's "love tank" starts to get depleated, it is easily filled by "doing" things for her. Likewise, she spends every weekend doing things for other people. When you realize this is her primary love language, it really makes more sense. (Take into consideration our trip together to go see my grandparents last year. Upon arrival, I want to sit and TALK to my g'ma. I could do it all day. My sister wants to make a list of things that need to be done. She wants to go to the store, she wants to clean and fix and arrange. We are both "loving" our grandparents, but in very different ways!)

My ex husband was an Acts of Service guy, too. He will call me to this day and tell me he’s going to Costco, do I need anything? It’s his way of saying he cares about someone.

Physical Touch is an easy one to understand. There are “huggers” in this world who get it!! Physical Touchers want to hug after a fight. They want to physically be near you, they are cuddlers and hand-holders. They are people who readily are offended and hurt if they go untouched for several days. They need that.

Gifts is also an easy one to spot, but isn't necessarily as superficial as it sounds. There are people who LOVE to get gifts, and by getting them, they truly do feel loved - likewise, they love to give things to people, too. The thing is, it doesn’t have to be a BIG gift to impress a gifter. Just buying someone whose love language is “gifts” a small token can mean everything to them. It’s not really that they are after the tangible thing, but having something given to them specifically means a lot to them. And likewise, you need to appreciate the gifts they give you, as they are meant as an “I love you, I care about you” and not at all about what they just spent.

Words of Encouragement also seems self-explanatory, but really consider it. My best friend told me he thought his language was physical touch. But I knew better. It was really all the words that came from his gf's mouth when they sat close and cuddled on the couch, or when they were intimate together. He wanted to hear that she supported him. He wanted to know she was proud of him. It's hard for some people to openly express their feelings this way, and so it can be hard for someone who has this as their primary language to feel loved if they are in a relationship with someone who's more withdrawn.

Now, let’s think of how this works in relationships. Let’s say you have a wife who is a quality time girl and a husband who is an acts of service guy. They get home from work and she wants to make dinner together and talk about their day, and sit down to eat together. She wants to spend TIME together. He wants to get the trash gathered up, change the light bulb in the den, fix the garage door opener and get the oil changed in the car. He’s trying to DO THINGS for her because he wants to show that he cares by taking care of these things. She spends the night frustrated because he won’t just sit down and TALK to her and he spends the night frustrated because he’s trying to get these things done FOR her, and neither feels loved even though they are both sort of “screaming it” in their own way.

It is important to figure out what you are. It is likewise as important to figure out the languages of the people around you. It won’t necessarily come easily for someone who is a physical toucher to try to give gifts, for example, but to do so will mean even MORE to your loved ones because they will know you’re going out of your comfort zone and doing it for their sake. Men will stand awkwardly in Victoria’s Secret trying their best to give just the right thing, all the while knowing that simply a kiss from their girl and they’re good to go. They are trying to cross from their primary to their loved ones’ primary language so they might speak their feelings loudly. They know that she wants something from Vicki's because she loves gifts. She feels loved with them. He just wants to be intimate - he wants her physical touch to feel loved.

I say all of this in light of the comments posted on my blog about Valentine’s Day. If you don’t want gifts purchased for you, if they seem frivolous or unnecessary, take into account the giver. Recognize it for what it is. And likewise, when trying to communicate to someone that you care, try to recognize their language and give something that would speak your feelings loudly. Those of us who are “quality time” or “gifts” or even “physical touch” might love days like Valentine’s Day. Those who are Acts of Service might appreciate you taking their car to be washed, or to walk their dog for them. Someone who thinks V-day is a Hallmark holiday is probably NOT a gift giver. It is important for them to recognize if the one they love IS, and to speak that if they can. Likewise, when I call a friend and ask if they want to have dinner together, and they turn me down for whatever reasonable reason, I have to keep my feelings in check and make sure I don't take it as a personal slight. They aren't saying they don't care about me because they aren't spending time with me, they simply have other plans. It's a two way communication in two different languages that needs constant translating.

I don’t know if any of this is making sense. The book actually does a terrific job of it, but at least perhaps, it’ll have you ‘hearing’ and ‘talking’ to each other differently.

When you know your own love language, and you recognize the language of the people in your life, it will open your eyes. When you begin to communicate these things to each other, it will truly change your relationship.