The Conference

Someone asked how conferences went (thanks for asking - it's strange to think someone out there is actually paying attention!)

Here are my observations from conferences. They really apply to parenting in general anymore, too.

Why on earth are people afraid to give children consequences for their actions?

There I said it.

I should qualify all of this by saying my degree is in Elementary Education (not, in report binding) and my dad and step mom both were teachers, so I am at least somewhat familiar with the other side of the desk. I just don't understand why children can persistently give their teachers (or parents) fits about a particular behavior only to have little or no consequence, or perhaps a consequence that has nothing to do with the problem behavior.

For example: Mrs. B. (LM's teacher) said that one of the (many) ongoing issues she has with LM is that he hangs his backpack on the back of his chair (which all students are allowed to do in her classroom) but he doesn't keep it zipped. So many many times, papers and books and such are spilling out all over the floor. Kids step on them, trip on them, have to step over them, etc. She went on for a couple of minutes about this problem. I listened. And then I said, "So don't let him keep his backpack on his chair." (I kept the "duh" to myself at that moment in an effort to demonstrate the respect I'm trying to teach LM.)

Or: Mrs. B. has asked LM not to keep his trumpet right by his desk. It takes up more room in the aisle than there is and again, kids are tripping over it, etc. She says that as soon as he finally moves it, the next time he has it, he puts it right back by his desk again. I explained that a) he's afraid he'll forget it AGAIN and when he forgets his trumpet, his horrible mean mother gets UPSET with him for leaving a $500 instrument in the unlocked school hallways. I could, perhaps, see why he doesn't want to let it out of his sight. That said, couldn't they reach an agreement about someplace within the classroom to keep it? She said she had, he could keep it in the coat closet (which is open to the classroom, it has no doors, so he might not be so apt to forget it). I said that sounded like a great plan. But apparently, despite agreeing to this, LM continues to put it by his desk. I said, "Have you taken it away?" "Taken it away?!" she asked. Um, yeah, you know, when he can't put it where it belongs after you've repeatedly asked, then you TAKE IT AWAY. Shoot me an email so I know you have it, and he can get it back the next day."

Or: LM hates to write. This has been true for years. They have to keep a daily writing journal and LM has actually started writing a story (ahem, guess where he got that trait from?) and so when she finally collected the journals to grade them, he was anxious to get it back. He asked her on a Friday at the end of the day if he could have it back (get this: so he could WRITE over the weekend) and she said, no, she hadn't finished grading them yet. As it turns out, LM TOOK IT ANYWAY, which I realize is a crime punishable by death in fifth grade, but frankly, could she simply have offered him another alternative to keep him writing?! I mean, the kid who hates to write is asking to be able to continue his story IN WRITING over the WEEKEND and her answer was simply "No"?!?!?! (Okay, so this one doesn't fit my point, it just irritated me to no end.)

So, when I spoke with LM last night, we talked about these things and the other more serious infractions of fifth grade law (like calling out without raising his hand, laughing at other student's responses, etc.) I made a couple of suggestions (like, that maybe LM could play a little game in his head, where he could sit quietly and just LISTEN during class discussions and see how long it took until Mrs. B. said, "LM you are awfully quiet today, do you have anything to add to this discussion?") We talked about finding ways each day to lift up or compliment his peers (and I would, too) and we could talk about that during our highs and lows time each night. He wasn't at all aware that when his peers gave an answer that was incredibly off-base that they ACTUALLY thought it was right. He thought they were just being funny. Cause when you're too intelligent for the people around you, you just don't realize that they can be that far behind. Or so people tell me. But in general, we talked about how all of these things are showing a lack of respect for Mrs. B and for her classroom rules. That LM doesn't get to decide on the rules, he has to obey the rules.

So, that was conferences. A joy all around. LM is getting two B's because he is bored to tears, but I see nothing that will change that until middle school when he might be grouped with other bright students for all his subjects. For now, we will work on these little issues and try to continue to teach respect for those with lesser brains than ourselves (as if this applies to me) and we'll keep plugging away at being 10.

As a parenting note: I don't try to tell other people how to parent, but it seems logical to me that if your child cannot speak with a proper tone or with appropriate words, then they lose their privilege to speak (for a short while, it's not a life sentence). Or, if they cannot keep their hands to themselves, or hurt another child or sibling, then they have to sit with their hands folded and can not use them for some duration of time that makes a point. If we do not teach our children that their are appropriate consequences for their actions (good and bad) then we raise the sorts of people who will grow up and sue McDonald's because their coffee is too darn hot.

When LM was 4, he went to preschool for the first time. His teacher pulled me aside one day and said she was having trouble with LM because when she made the children stand up and say the Pledge of Allegiance, LM would SCREAM it. It was hard not to chuckle at my child's ingenuity, but I told her that while she had 90% control (he was doing what he was told, after all) he was holding on to that 10% of defiance with all his might. And as long as he had 10%, he was winning. LM needed to learn, and continues to need to learn that elders and grown-ups deserve 100% of our respect. And as grown ups, we need to insist on having that 10% of power returned to us. If we don't, 10% becomes 12%, and 12% becomes 15% and before we know it, we have teenagers on our hands with 85% control and no sense of respect.

I, by no means, have raised a perfect child by way of perfect parenting, and I do not pretend to know all the answers (by a long shot!) I am extremely grateful to my family and friends for their suggestions and support at each challenge I face with LM. But when I see a child misbehaving (including my own) I do not blame the child, I blame the parents. It is our responsiblity to continue to teach and teach and teach these life lessons until they are so ingrained on our children's hearts that they live by them. Parenting is not about breaking their spirit, or forcing them into being little robots, but it is about raising Godly children who are a blessing to be around.

There are times when I wish I could put a sign on LM that says "We're working on it" but in the meantime, we keep facing these life lessons head on with conversation, examples, biblical support and if necessary, appropriate consequences. I guess if it doesn't work, he'll at least have one more thing to keep him in therapy for life.