Lessons Learned
I have tried to blog four times already tonight and I'm really struggling with it. I’m writing with constant thought to the arguments that will be put against me and that’s not why I blog. I blog because I want to express myself only for my own benefit. Not for an audience.
So if you came here to rail against me, please take it elsewhere. If you read the following and feel the need to correct me in my opinion I will ask that you keep in mind I’m not writing this for you. I just need to spell it out for me. I need to remember today.
I have struggled today with anguish and heartache, guilt and shame. I have had to come to my knees tonight to find the resolution that brings peace to my heart again. I believe there is no higher priority in my own life than to raise a moral child. Today I saw how far off-track I had allowed myself to get by indulging in something that seems so “innocent”. I am constantly reminded of how the indulgences we permit our children when they are young can germinate and grow into bigger, unintended evils later in life. I do not indulge in Halloween. My son is clear on all the why’s and understands my beliefs on the subject. I have an inability to rationalize the violence and destruction of college students (and adults) on Mischief Night without taking it back to its roots as an “innocent” holiday tradition. I have never believed that any single aspect of witchcraft, sorcery or magic is ever simply “innocent imagination”.
Which is why, today, I am utterly ashamed that I gave in to the Harry Potter phenomenon. I did not give in without a fight. I was valiantly opposed initially. For all the above reasons, and all the reasons the Christian Voice stated over and over at the time of the first and subsequent book releases. My sister battled me heavily. She did not understand how I could let LM enjoy Star Wars and not let him read Harry Potter. I still did not give in. LM can state a hundred examples of the analogy of Star Wars to the Christian teachings; good v. evil, light v. dark, etc. He can make the leap to understand why Annakin thought the dark side SEEMED powerful and enticing and how it led him to his death and the Hell that was graphically demonstrated in Sith. He gets it. Very clearly.
I gave in to HP when LM came home from school and said the kids were playing “Harry Potter” on the playground and LM didn’t know the characters and felt left out. I felt horrible. I have such a soft place in my heart for being “left out” in school and I didn’t want to contribute to that.
Today, we watched the fourth movie. I had read parts of the first book long ago, and have listened to LM talk about the subsequent books but I was ill-prepared today. The lines that seem so clear in SW seem so grey in HP to me. Everyone is a part of the magic. Everyone is a bit of a sorcerer. I left the theater with an extremely heavy heart. I spent the day cranky and irritable and found myself arguing with my sister once again on the phone.
What I know to be true is that HP does not fit into the moral teachings that I bring to this home. It may work for others, it may not seem nearly so evil to anyone else, but I cannot sit peacefully by and excuse it or forgive it. I can’t. LM and I spent quite awhile this evening talking this all through. I explained exactly how I felt about it and gave all the reasons why. I explained peer pressure and how it caused me to give in when I had originally stood firm. And I handed the choice over to him. I told him that he was going to need to think about it and decide for himself what he thinks God thinks on the subject. He could choose for himself whether or not HP was innocent or whether it planted seeds that were not in accordance with Christian teachings. I explained how God spoke to me through the guilt on my heart today and how he needed to listen to his own heart and decide. Not an easy thing, not by a long shot, but deciding religion and beliefs for yourself is a lifelong struggle but learning to take ownership of those beliefs and not accepting them for the sake of your upbringing is something I think is best learned early. He may very well make the decision not to read the books anymore because he knows I’m morally opposed. He might. But I hope to help him decide it for himself. I have expressed to him the right for us to disagree, and that I will not ban the books or movies from the house as I believe he can decide that for himself. It’s a start.
I am headed to bed tonight with the voice of a woman I knew years ago ringing loudly in my mind. I remember talking with her when LM was but an “itty” and her children were pre-teens. She remarked at how ‘easy’ it was when they were so tiny. Sleep-deprived, starving, exhausted, harried, and skeptical I questioned her on how she could ever think so when her children were now remarkably independent and could certainly feed, dress, clean and entertain themselves. She explained to me that the ‘itties’ are so physically demanding, but as they get older they are so emotionally demanding. Raising children is a daunting task in and of itself. Raising moral children can feel impossible. Providing food, clothing and shelter is nothing compared to providing them with a moral compass on their heart that will guide them when they are no longer under your watch. Letting them learn the lessons and the reasons behind the lessons can be far more exhausting than any sleepless night with an infant.
She was absolutely right.
I will never get it all right. I will never be a perfect parent. But I pray that God continues to steer me and speak to my heart when I get off-course. And I pray that I continue to listen.
So if you came here to rail against me, please take it elsewhere. If you read the following and feel the need to correct me in my opinion I will ask that you keep in mind I’m not writing this for you. I just need to spell it out for me. I need to remember today.
I have struggled today with anguish and heartache, guilt and shame. I have had to come to my knees tonight to find the resolution that brings peace to my heart again. I believe there is no higher priority in my own life than to raise a moral child. Today I saw how far off-track I had allowed myself to get by indulging in something that seems so “innocent”. I am constantly reminded of how the indulgences we permit our children when they are young can germinate and grow into bigger, unintended evils later in life. I do not indulge in Halloween. My son is clear on all the why’s and understands my beliefs on the subject. I have an inability to rationalize the violence and destruction of college students (and adults) on Mischief Night without taking it back to its roots as an “innocent” holiday tradition. I have never believed that any single aspect of witchcraft, sorcery or magic is ever simply “innocent imagination”.
Which is why, today, I am utterly ashamed that I gave in to the Harry Potter phenomenon. I did not give in without a fight. I was valiantly opposed initially. For all the above reasons, and all the reasons the Christian Voice stated over and over at the time of the first and subsequent book releases. My sister battled me heavily. She did not understand how I could let LM enjoy Star Wars and not let him read Harry Potter. I still did not give in. LM can state a hundred examples of the analogy of Star Wars to the Christian teachings; good v. evil, light v. dark, etc. He can make the leap to understand why Annakin thought the dark side SEEMED powerful and enticing and how it led him to his death and the Hell that was graphically demonstrated in Sith. He gets it. Very clearly.
I gave in to HP when LM came home from school and said the kids were playing “Harry Potter” on the playground and LM didn’t know the characters and felt left out. I felt horrible. I have such a soft place in my heart for being “left out” in school and I didn’t want to contribute to that.
Today, we watched the fourth movie. I had read parts of the first book long ago, and have listened to LM talk about the subsequent books but I was ill-prepared today. The lines that seem so clear in SW seem so grey in HP to me. Everyone is a part of the magic. Everyone is a bit of a sorcerer. I left the theater with an extremely heavy heart. I spent the day cranky and irritable and found myself arguing with my sister once again on the phone.
What I know to be true is that HP does not fit into the moral teachings that I bring to this home. It may work for others, it may not seem nearly so evil to anyone else, but I cannot sit peacefully by and excuse it or forgive it. I can’t. LM and I spent quite awhile this evening talking this all through. I explained exactly how I felt about it and gave all the reasons why. I explained peer pressure and how it caused me to give in when I had originally stood firm. And I handed the choice over to him. I told him that he was going to need to think about it and decide for himself what he thinks God thinks on the subject. He could choose for himself whether or not HP was innocent or whether it planted seeds that were not in accordance with Christian teachings. I explained how God spoke to me through the guilt on my heart today and how he needed to listen to his own heart and decide. Not an easy thing, not by a long shot, but deciding religion and beliefs for yourself is a lifelong struggle but learning to take ownership of those beliefs and not accepting them for the sake of your upbringing is something I think is best learned early. He may very well make the decision not to read the books anymore because he knows I’m morally opposed. He might. But I hope to help him decide it for himself. I have expressed to him the right for us to disagree, and that I will not ban the books or movies from the house as I believe he can decide that for himself. It’s a start.
I am headed to bed tonight with the voice of a woman I knew years ago ringing loudly in my mind. I remember talking with her when LM was but an “itty” and her children were pre-teens. She remarked at how ‘easy’ it was when they were so tiny. Sleep-deprived, starving, exhausted, harried, and skeptical I questioned her on how she could ever think so when her children were now remarkably independent and could certainly feed, dress, clean and entertain themselves. She explained to me that the ‘itties’ are so physically demanding, but as they get older they are so emotionally demanding. Raising children is a daunting task in and of itself. Raising moral children can feel impossible. Providing food, clothing and shelter is nothing compared to providing them with a moral compass on their heart that will guide them when they are no longer under your watch. Letting them learn the lessons and the reasons behind the lessons can be far more exhausting than any sleepless night with an infant.
She was absolutely right.
I will never get it all right. I will never be a perfect parent. But I pray that God continues to steer me and speak to my heart when I get off-course. And I pray that I continue to listen.
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