Don't Ask Me How I Know
If there is a strange white-ish object on the floor that you can barely make out in the dark, don’t reach down to pick it up. It’s the dog’s half chewed rawhide, still gummy and slimy that will gross you out so badly that you’ll still shiver thinking about it a week later.
Do not use the phrase, “so I was talking with this friend of mine the other day…” to an older sister. They smell out the truth, no matter how hard you try to hide it and will KNOW that you have spoken to an ex-boyfriend that you swore to her you would never speak to again because you realize she was right all along and he was bad, bad, bad for you.
If you have an empty bottle (or two) of Smirnoff Ice sitting on the coffee table when the Little Man goes to bed, he will ask you if that’s beer. When you tell the truth and say, “No” he will know better and you will still get a lecture on choosing to “Just Say No to Drugs.”
The amount of vomit a creature produces is directly proportionate to their body weight and how recently you shampooed the carpet. If you are accustomed to the hair balls that come out of a ten pound cat, do not underestimate the results of a 200 pound dog who got into the trash. Buy the steam cleaner, don’t just rent it.
Tequila and tunafish don’t mix. On either the intake or the output.
A week or two after you start talking with aforementioned ex-boyfriend, you will stop, for all the same reasons you originally thought he was a jackhole (thanks, poka, for the word) however, a couple weeks after that, when you are starting to regain your sense of direction and progression, you will be staggeringly caught off guard by your cell phone bill from that conversational period and will have to donate bone marrow for two years to pay for it.
A younger brother will not remember your birthday, his niece’s or nephew’s birthdays, the day you got married or divorced, not even vaguely how old you are to begin with. He does, however, know the birthday of Nascar Rookie, Kasey Kahne.
Tequila and chocolate pudding don’t mix.
Donating bone marrow, while charitable, is painful.
In the midst of cleaning up said vomit, when you are in your sweats, hair hastily pulled back out of your way, smelling like a beast, your new, attractive, single neighbor will stop by to introduce himself. He won’t stay long.
When you finally realize your social life is in a slump and remember prior to Friday night to stop by Blockbuster for a flick or two for the weekend, and end up over-doing it a bit with a stack of movies taller than you are, you will return home to three messages on your machine asking you if you have plans for this weekend.
Tequila and gummi bears don’t mix.
Despite not having chewed a roll of toilet paper in well over a year, on an evening when it is pouring down rain, you just put the Little Man to bed and you have $. 37 until next Friday (literally) your dog will completely devour the last roll in the house.
Ex-boyfriends never creep back into your life because they recognize what it is you needed all along and are ready to give that to you now. They are really just back in communication because they recently bought stock in Verizon Wireless.
When you spend the summer months desperately trying to restock your son’s fish tank as a surprise gift when he returns home from a summer at Nana’s, upon arrival back home, he will kill all 6 of the fish in one massive over-feeding incident.
When you wake up in the morning, it will be a new day. You will open your eyes, stretch and jump eagerly out of bed, stepping directly onto the slobby, slimy rawhide left there by your pooch as a Monday morning present. As it turns out, Tequila can help you forget all about rawhides.
Do not use the phrase, “so I was talking with this friend of mine the other day…” to an older sister. They smell out the truth, no matter how hard you try to hide it and will KNOW that you have spoken to an ex-boyfriend that you swore to her you would never speak to again because you realize she was right all along and he was bad, bad, bad for you.
If you have an empty bottle (or two) of Smirnoff Ice sitting on the coffee table when the Little Man goes to bed, he will ask you if that’s beer. When you tell the truth and say, “No” he will know better and you will still get a lecture on choosing to “Just Say No to Drugs.”
The amount of vomit a creature produces is directly proportionate to their body weight and how recently you shampooed the carpet. If you are accustomed to the hair balls that come out of a ten pound cat, do not underestimate the results of a 200 pound dog who got into the trash. Buy the steam cleaner, don’t just rent it.
Tequila and tunafish don’t mix. On either the intake or the output.
A week or two after you start talking with aforementioned ex-boyfriend, you will stop, for all the same reasons you originally thought he was a jackhole (thanks, poka, for the word) however, a couple weeks after that, when you are starting to regain your sense of direction and progression, you will be staggeringly caught off guard by your cell phone bill from that conversational period and will have to donate bone marrow for two years to pay for it.
A younger brother will not remember your birthday, his niece’s or nephew’s birthdays, the day you got married or divorced, not even vaguely how old you are to begin with. He does, however, know the birthday of Nascar Rookie, Kasey Kahne.
Tequila and chocolate pudding don’t mix.
Donating bone marrow, while charitable, is painful.
In the midst of cleaning up said vomit, when you are in your sweats, hair hastily pulled back out of your way, smelling like a beast, your new, attractive, single neighbor will stop by to introduce himself. He won’t stay long.
When you finally realize your social life is in a slump and remember prior to Friday night to stop by Blockbuster for a flick or two for the weekend, and end up over-doing it a bit with a stack of movies taller than you are, you will return home to three messages on your machine asking you if you have plans for this weekend.
Tequila and gummi bears don’t mix.
Despite not having chewed a roll of toilet paper in well over a year, on an evening when it is pouring down rain, you just put the Little Man to bed and you have $. 37 until next Friday (literally) your dog will completely devour the last roll in the house.
Ex-boyfriends never creep back into your life because they recognize what it is you needed all along and are ready to give that to you now. They are really just back in communication because they recently bought stock in Verizon Wireless.
When you spend the summer months desperately trying to restock your son’s fish tank as a surprise gift when he returns home from a summer at Nana’s, upon arrival back home, he will kill all 6 of the fish in one massive over-feeding incident.
When you wake up in the morning, it will be a new day. You will open your eyes, stretch and jump eagerly out of bed, stepping directly onto the slobby, slimy rawhide left there by your pooch as a Monday morning present. As it turns out, Tequila can help you forget all about rawhides.
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