In Case You Felt the Shift
The universe is balanced out again. Tuesday was terrible.
A few weeks ago, LM's report card came home with an "N" (for "Needs Improvement")in "turns homework in on time". I was stunned. I closely monitor his homework each night that he is with me and I know that he does it each and every day. Well, the true story came out that there had been occasions when he hadn't exactly brought home all of his homework. A long discussion ensued (this year, the discussions mostly revolve around the fact that fifth grade is prep for SIXTH grade when he will have multiple classrooms and multiple teachers and therefore LOADS more responsibility required of him.) He was grounded for ten days so he could show us that he could turn in his schoolwork (all of it) for ten days in a row. He lucked out, as he actually had three days off during those two weeks of school, but on the eve of being ungrounded, he forgot his homework again. I knew he had been looking forward to having his privileges back, so I was stunned. We (his dad and I) decided to up the ante and give him extra chores for the next week, hoping to keep this fresh in his mind the next time he thought about hustling out of school without the right books. THE VERY NEXT DAY HE FORGOT HIS HOMEWORK. Shows how well our parenting techniques work, huh?
So, we had another family pow-wow and decided maybe we had the wrong approach. If grounding didn't really work, and more consequences didn't really work, we'd try a reversal - we would REWARD him for 10 days of schoolwork completed and turned in on time!! Oh are we brilliant or what?! So, LM was GREATLY relieved when the proclamation came that there would be no punishments, that we would simply provide him with a little notebook where he was to write down his assignments each day in class, and then check them off as he made sure they were in his backpack. His dad or I would sign it each day and when he had 10 we would give him a small gift card to Lowe's (a favorite of his) or something of the sort. Nothing HUGE, but a little incentive anyway. We received hugs and kisses and many many thanks from LM for our revolutionary parenting idea.
That was Friday.
Yesterday, LM was funny when I called to see that he made it home okay. Tuesdays he normally gets picked up from school by his dad, but this week he was to take the bus home to my house. I had to stop at the bank on my way home and decided I would get an oil change while I thought of it and had the cash in my wallet. I called to let him know. He didn't sound very upbeat.
On my drive home, G called and I talked with him while I parked the car and got into the house. It wasn't long before I noticed LM was pacing around the house. I finally concluded my conversation with my brother and asked what was up. LM said he had forgotten his homework again and immediately commenced sobbing.
OH MY.
I didn't even know what to do with him. The sign for the gypsies was covered with snow, ebay had proclaimed it illegal to sell children on their site and I was fresh out of cabbage to put into a kid stew.
Words were exchanged. A new book that had been purchased was revoked. I sent him off to clean the bathroom, explaning that I hoped when he was leaving school he might think of cleaning toilets and NOT wish that upon himself again and might make the extra effort to actually put his worksheets into his backpack. (His notebook had been filled out, he just didn't look at it at the end of the day.)
Sobbing ensued.
More sobbing ensued.
I had called his dad to explain the matter, and when he called back an hour later to check on things, LM was crying so loudly in the bathroom that you would have thought I had beat him to within an inch of his life (I swear I didn't!! The meat is too tough to chew if you beat them before stewing!) As I explained to his dad that he was too upset to come to the phone because I made him clean the bathroom as punishment, I heard LM sob, "That's not why I'm upset!"
I got off the phone.
I went to the bathroom.
I opened the door and asked what on earth the problem was.
"I don't want to tell you."
Um, yeah, well, now you have to.
"I just feel like you don't care about me!" SOB SOB SOB SOB I swear I have never seen such tears in all my life from this child.
I told him sternly that he might look back to 24 hours ago and revisit the idea of my concern and love for him, and that if he had further doubts he might realize that if I didn't care, I wouldn't have been at all upset over him forgetting his homework in the first place because I simply WOULDN'T CARE. I then reminded him that we have two pictures on our fridge of children in Africa who certainly have much more reasons to cry and sob than my poor child who has to have a punishment for not fulfilling his responsibilities and that he was to pull himself together and get to work.
(I sounded like my mom and my dad all in one on that one. Well done, huh?)
I went back out to the living room and sat for awhile on the couch. I counted back...2007-1996=11. Hmm...
I wondered how on earth we had made such a quick leap into the teenage years.
A few weeks ago, LM's report card came home with an "N" (for "Needs Improvement")in "turns homework in on time". I was stunned. I closely monitor his homework each night that he is with me and I know that he does it each and every day. Well, the true story came out that there had been occasions when he hadn't exactly brought home all of his homework. A long discussion ensued (this year, the discussions mostly revolve around the fact that fifth grade is prep for SIXTH grade when he will have multiple classrooms and multiple teachers and therefore LOADS more responsibility required of him.) He was grounded for ten days so he could show us that he could turn in his schoolwork (all of it) for ten days in a row. He lucked out, as he actually had three days off during those two weeks of school, but on the eve of being ungrounded, he forgot his homework again. I knew he had been looking forward to having his privileges back, so I was stunned. We (his dad and I) decided to up the ante and give him extra chores for the next week, hoping to keep this fresh in his mind the next time he thought about hustling out of school without the right books. THE VERY NEXT DAY HE FORGOT HIS HOMEWORK. Shows how well our parenting techniques work, huh?
So, we had another family pow-wow and decided maybe we had the wrong approach. If grounding didn't really work, and more consequences didn't really work, we'd try a reversal - we would REWARD him for 10 days of schoolwork completed and turned in on time!! Oh are we brilliant or what?! So, LM was GREATLY relieved when the proclamation came that there would be no punishments, that we would simply provide him with a little notebook where he was to write down his assignments each day in class, and then check them off as he made sure they were in his backpack. His dad or I would sign it each day and when he had 10 we would give him a small gift card to Lowe's (a favorite of his) or something of the sort. Nothing HUGE, but a little incentive anyway. We received hugs and kisses and many many thanks from LM for our revolutionary parenting idea.
That was Friday.
Yesterday, LM was funny when I called to see that he made it home okay. Tuesdays he normally gets picked up from school by his dad, but this week he was to take the bus home to my house. I had to stop at the bank on my way home and decided I would get an oil change while I thought of it and had the cash in my wallet. I called to let him know. He didn't sound very upbeat.
On my drive home, G called and I talked with him while I parked the car and got into the house. It wasn't long before I noticed LM was pacing around the house. I finally concluded my conversation with my brother and asked what was up. LM said he had forgotten his homework again and immediately commenced sobbing.
OH MY.
I didn't even know what to do with him. The sign for the gypsies was covered with snow, ebay had proclaimed it illegal to sell children on their site and I was fresh out of cabbage to put into a kid stew.
Words were exchanged. A new book that had been purchased was revoked. I sent him off to clean the bathroom, explaning that I hoped when he was leaving school he might think of cleaning toilets and NOT wish that upon himself again and might make the extra effort to actually put his worksheets into his backpack. (His notebook had been filled out, he just didn't look at it at the end of the day.)
Sobbing ensued.
More sobbing ensued.
I had called his dad to explain the matter, and when he called back an hour later to check on things, LM was crying so loudly in the bathroom that you would have thought I had beat him to within an inch of his life (I swear I didn't!! The meat is too tough to chew if you beat them before stewing!) As I explained to his dad that he was too upset to come to the phone because I made him clean the bathroom as punishment, I heard LM sob, "That's not why I'm upset!"
I got off the phone.
I went to the bathroom.
I opened the door and asked what on earth the problem was.
"I don't want to tell you."
Um, yeah, well, now you have to.
"I just feel like you don't care about me!" SOB SOB SOB SOB I swear I have never seen such tears in all my life from this child.
I told him sternly that he might look back to 24 hours ago and revisit the idea of my concern and love for him, and that if he had further doubts he might realize that if I didn't care, I wouldn't have been at all upset over him forgetting his homework in the first place because I simply WOULDN'T CARE. I then reminded him that we have two pictures on our fridge of children in Africa who certainly have much more reasons to cry and sob than my poor child who has to have a punishment for not fulfilling his responsibilities and that he was to pull himself together and get to work.
(I sounded like my mom and my dad all in one on that one. Well done, huh?)
I went back out to the living room and sat for awhile on the couch. I counted back...2007-1996=11. Hmm...
I wondered how on earth we had made such a quick leap into the teenage years.
Comments
keep up the good work
Shelly
you are doing a great job! i thought you needed to hear that!
I am at a loss as to what to do about the whole homework issue and "personal responsibility" on his part to bring it home, get it done, turn it in, etc.
It's scary to think that next year is going to be even more of a challenge with having different teachers for each class and different requirements.
I totally feel for you and LM. It's a tough place to be.
But I now have one B.A. and one Master's degree...this too shall pass.
You're a good mama.
I was pretty scatterbrained myself as a child--head in the clouds and all that. But eventually even I settled into some approximation of responsibility...lol!