Legalized Torture (to LM and My Bank Account)

And thus begins the slow but continuous drain on my bank account that will only in a very small way prepare me for the quick and thorough drain that I like to call “college”. LM officially had his first orthodontics appointment this morning. They start out small, tiny little spacers in his molars to make room for the metal rings they’ll install on Monday. Within two weeks, LM will officially proclaim me The Meanest Mother on Earth when the inevitable torturous expanders are put in place.

To summarize, I chose Orthodontist #1. To be honest, I had no clue how to choose between the two. It was like comparing apples to a VW beetle. In order to choose what I felt was the best “method” I would have had to have been an orthodontist. This idea was dismissed only when I realized that med school will in fact cost more than this procedure, if only by $1.99. I chose instead based on how the doc reached his verdict on his preferred method. Doc #1 took molds and x-rays, took them home with him and spent time looking at them. He drew very mathematical looking lines and figures and angles on them and then discussed his overall thoughts in a half hour consultation. Doc #2 looked at the x-rays and molds that Doc #1 had taken, looked into LM’s mouth for a few moments, wrote a few things down and asked both of us what was our overall goal for orthodontics (straight teeth? Isn’t that the right answer?!) He didn’t draw anything mathematical, although Doc #2 did have a clever computer program that showed us visualizations of what was amok in LM’s mouth. So, due to the perception that Doc #1 put actual time and energy into his plan I chose him. Well that and he costs perhaps $800 less. There is that. And Doc #2 kept us waiting for over a half hour for our consultation. There is that, too.

LM has been in the loop from the get-go. He is well aware of what the process will entail and exactly what will happen at each appointment. He knows that May 31st is going to be a very.bad.day.indeed and that for the next 3-5 days after that he will want to strangle me in my sleep. He has also been made aware that this is costing me my left arm and an unborn child to be determined at a later date and that if he does not wear his retainer after all is said and done I will indeed strangle HIM in his sleep. I think we’ve reached an agreement.

I have also kept the ex apprised of all options and decisions. While he hasn’t offered any worthwhile input and certainly I shouldn’t have expected (nor did I receive) any sort of opinion from his camp he did declare himself in “sticker shock” still yet today and wasn’t sure how he would come up with his share of the down payment due on the 31st. Considering this portion is the cheaper of the two processes LM will go through (the actual braces could total three times what these expanders are costing us) I didn’t realize this would be such a problem. I offered to cover the down payment and he offered to then cover the monthly charges. His part will come out to being more than mine (which he knows) so I readily agreed. I hope that this is not an indicator of how ill-prepared he will be for college expenses when that time comes, but I should begin to brace myself for that eventual reality I’m sure.

For now, wish us straight teeth in record time and pray to the Tylenol gods that LM doesn’t have to suffer much. If you think about it, remind me on the 31st that I do this out of love for LM and his beautiful smile as I’m sure I’ll be feeling extremely bad about the pain I’m causing him. I am, after all, the one responsible for turning the expanders each night and causing him great pain. Maybe we should have gone with the Volkswagen.