The Struggle
So, I realize that I'm not the quickest person, truly. But since WHEN is Bearca Poka's sister?!?! Geesh! Glad I'm finally in the KNOW!!! :) Now, what other things haven't I caught onto yet?
I canceled my order to Amazon.
I have written in the past in many ways how blessed I feel. To be honest, I've been struggling lately with the luxuries that surround me in my everyday life and the complete lack of basic living necessities for millions elsewhere in the world. It's not that I believe we should all strip ourselves of every material possession, or that we should send our complete salaries off to Mali to restore some semblance of balance, but I stare down a $6 battery-operated toothbrush each morning to then see the face of a starving 9 year old girl on our refrigerator- a child we chose to sponsor from the Dominican Republic whose family cannot afford to give her more than one meal a day, cannot educate her nor give her the health care she needs. Just today I posted about the elective, cosmetic laser procedure to get rid of five red spots on LM's face. The duality is forcing my morals to sit up and take notice.
I fight everyday with my weight issues. I spend more of my time thinking about food in any given day than seems reasonable to me. But I am afforded the luxury of being overweight. I am afforded the ability to go out and buy whatever I want to eat. I have taken the privilege of eating for granted, and I have abused it. I feel guilty for this more than most anything because food is a simple, basic, necessity to life and yet it is not something that everyone has. Food, is in fact, a luxury to most. How do I find peace with the imbalance?
I don't readily have an answer, but I believe God gave us the emotion of guilt to serve a purpose. It is there to guide us when we are off path, it is there to help steer us in the correct direction and to lead us back to Him. I feel guilty. I feel ashamed of my stacks and stacks and shelves and shelves of beautiful, nearly new, dusty books. I feel guilty that I spend more on my dog every month than we do on charity.
It isn't right.
I have to do something. I have to start somewhere. I started by canceling my order to Amazon. If you know me at all, you know that there is no greater joy in my life than new books. None. Truly. But I couldn't do it this time. I couldn't look at the total for our order and know that while it might buy us 5 new books, it would feed a family for a month in other parts of the world.
I don't mean to get "preachy" or to sound like Susie Do-Right here. I simply mean to document my struggle. To say that I am sitting here trying to tell myself that I could sell some of my books and yet just as equally I keep convincing myself that it won't do anything that's significant so I might as well keep them. I look around and think that in some very simple ways we could do without so that others might do with. And then a voice inside says that God gave us these blessings, we should enjoy them. I don't know how to create an equilibrium within my own life that will bring me peace. I'm sure others have found personal ways to make peace with similar demons, I need to find it for myself.
I also know that I can't help others until I help myself. Getting out of debt is my number one priority so that I can truly live as God intended me to. I am going to try to make that happen faster than what I had originally planned. And it's going to begin by selling some of my books. What I hate most about it, is that it pains me to let them go. For that reason, if for no other, I need to get rid of them. An attachment such as that to material things can only bring ruin and further greed. It's a small step, but it's a step. And it's in the right direction.
If you're in the book buying business, let me know. I know a good seller.
I canceled my order to Amazon.
I have written in the past in many ways how blessed I feel. To be honest, I've been struggling lately with the luxuries that surround me in my everyday life and the complete lack of basic living necessities for millions elsewhere in the world. It's not that I believe we should all strip ourselves of every material possession, or that we should send our complete salaries off to Mali to restore some semblance of balance, but I stare down a $6 battery-operated toothbrush each morning to then see the face of a starving 9 year old girl on our refrigerator- a child we chose to sponsor from the Dominican Republic whose family cannot afford to give her more than one meal a day, cannot educate her nor give her the health care she needs. Just today I posted about the elective, cosmetic laser procedure to get rid of five red spots on LM's face. The duality is forcing my morals to sit up and take notice.
I fight everyday with my weight issues. I spend more of my time thinking about food in any given day than seems reasonable to me. But I am afforded the luxury of being overweight. I am afforded the ability to go out and buy whatever I want to eat. I have taken the privilege of eating for granted, and I have abused it. I feel guilty for this more than most anything because food is a simple, basic, necessity to life and yet it is not something that everyone has. Food, is in fact, a luxury to most. How do I find peace with the imbalance?
I don't readily have an answer, but I believe God gave us the emotion of guilt to serve a purpose. It is there to guide us when we are off path, it is there to help steer us in the correct direction and to lead us back to Him. I feel guilty. I feel ashamed of my stacks and stacks and shelves and shelves of beautiful, nearly new, dusty books. I feel guilty that I spend more on my dog every month than we do on charity.
It isn't right.
I have to do something. I have to start somewhere. I started by canceling my order to Amazon. If you know me at all, you know that there is no greater joy in my life than new books. None. Truly. But I couldn't do it this time. I couldn't look at the total for our order and know that while it might buy us 5 new books, it would feed a family for a month in other parts of the world.
I don't mean to get "preachy" or to sound like Susie Do-Right here. I simply mean to document my struggle. To say that I am sitting here trying to tell myself that I could sell some of my books and yet just as equally I keep convincing myself that it won't do anything that's significant so I might as well keep them. I look around and think that in some very simple ways we could do without so that others might do with. And then a voice inside says that God gave us these blessings, we should enjoy them. I don't know how to create an equilibrium within my own life that will bring me peace. I'm sure others have found personal ways to make peace with similar demons, I need to find it for myself.
I also know that I can't help others until I help myself. Getting out of debt is my number one priority so that I can truly live as God intended me to. I am going to try to make that happen faster than what I had originally planned. And it's going to begin by selling some of my books. What I hate most about it, is that it pains me to let them go. For that reason, if for no other, I need to get rid of them. An attachment such as that to material things can only bring ruin and further greed. It's a small step, but it's a step. And it's in the right direction.
If you're in the book buying business, let me know. I know a good seller.
Comments
I also struggle with materialism vs. charity. I am blessed even by American standards. We give, but do we give enough? Wouldn't it have been nice if Christ had included a little sermon about exactly how much we are expected to give away in the NT?
Re your book order: I've been going to the library a lot lately and it's been kind of fun! Maybe you could do a "book Lent" and for a specified period of time, use the money you would have spent on books to donate to charity (or send needed items to your sponsored child) and then go to the library instead???
And yes, Poka and I are sisters. It's a well kept secret. :)
amy, i can completely relate to your struggle. we are constantly plagued by how on earth we will ever afford to be able to get into the housing market here in southern california and it begins to take on this woe-is-me quality. we're too poor, we have so little, all those stupid lies. we are so richly blessed! we love each other, we love God, and we live in the tiniest little place that most people make fun of for being so dinky but it is a clean, dry, charming PALACE next to what so many people have. anyway, i'm sort of going on and on here but i just wanted you to know how much i appreciated your post and your honesty. i'm feeling convicted to let go of something i am too attached to to be able to give back more fully. thanks for sharing!
Poka, you do seem to have a great sis! I'd say world's best but I'd get beat up by my own sis, so I'd better let her keep that title! You are both awesome in my book!!
one way to get rid of books is to sell them to half.com. with those proceeds you can donate them to a charity of your choice. or you could donate them to your library (think tax write off) or a women's shelter. there are endless possiblities to make you feel like you made a difference while enjoying your luxury.
another thing... i wouldn't berate yourself for enjoying books. there are far worse things to spend your time and money on. i also believe life is far too short. you must live it to it's fullest and never regret your passions. (cheesy, i know.)