Heartache of the Most Selfish Kind
The way he walked into my office took my breath away. The swagger of a boy laden with all the padding of Pampers between his legs, he came in drinking juice from a sippy cup. The whole time he sat with his dad, he kept drinking, pausing only when a two-year old smile crept across his entire face.
He had huge blue eyes and waves in his hair. Just the sound of him sucking on the cup took me back. He reached up behind him, over his head to try to touch his dad’s hair – a familial habit. Security within reach.
He could name all the animals on his cup, his father translating for those who were unfamiliar, but I knew. He said, “elephant”, “monkey”, “cat” and “bug”. I knew.
I thought I was past the heartache of wanting more. Lord knows I’m so blessed with the one child that I have and yet today it all swept over me and now, on a cold, windy, Friday night, I sit in tears longing for the smell of Johnson’s shampoo in his hair. They way dried milk caked on his cheeks. How he said “maykin” for napkin and “plano” for piano. It was years before “mazagine” came out right.
In an unexpected moment today I was overwhelmed with the emotion of longing. I love my son so incredibly much. I love being a mother and an aunt. I love being a family. I never intended for LM to be an only. Never a day in my life.
He’d make a great brother.
I don’t know God’s plan for me. He’ll reveal it in His time, I know. Tonight, through my tears though, I pray that he’ll give me the chance one more time. It’s the most selfish prayer I’ve prayed in years. I’m not ready to be done. I’m not ready to give up the hope. I’m not ready to be done.
Even as I write this, I want to take it all back. How can I ask God for another when so many don’t have one? How can I hurt so badly when I had LM by sheer luck, without incident, without complication? In a relationship that never should have produced a child, God handed us LM and gave him to us without question. I wasn’t worthy then, and my prayer isn’t worthy now. And yet, I still pray. I don’t deserve to have more. So many people would be so happy just to have one child to call their own. I don’t have a right to such greed, to such a selfish request. I don’t have a right to feel this way when I am already so blessed.
But I do. Selfishly, I do.
I want more children.
He had huge blue eyes and waves in his hair. Just the sound of him sucking on the cup took me back. He reached up behind him, over his head to try to touch his dad’s hair – a familial habit. Security within reach.
He could name all the animals on his cup, his father translating for those who were unfamiliar, but I knew. He said, “elephant”, “monkey”, “cat” and “bug”. I knew.
I thought I was past the heartache of wanting more. Lord knows I’m so blessed with the one child that I have and yet today it all swept over me and now, on a cold, windy, Friday night, I sit in tears longing for the smell of Johnson’s shampoo in his hair. They way dried milk caked on his cheeks. How he said “maykin” for napkin and “plano” for piano. It was years before “mazagine” came out right.
In an unexpected moment today I was overwhelmed with the emotion of longing. I love my son so incredibly much. I love being a mother and an aunt. I love being a family. I never intended for LM to be an only. Never a day in my life.
He’d make a great brother.
I don’t know God’s plan for me. He’ll reveal it in His time, I know. Tonight, through my tears though, I pray that he’ll give me the chance one more time. It’s the most selfish prayer I’ve prayed in years. I’m not ready to be done. I’m not ready to give up the hope. I’m not ready to be done.
Even as I write this, I want to take it all back. How can I ask God for another when so many don’t have one? How can I hurt so badly when I had LM by sheer luck, without incident, without complication? In a relationship that never should have produced a child, God handed us LM and gave him to us without question. I wasn’t worthy then, and my prayer isn’t worthy now. And yet, I still pray. I don’t deserve to have more. So many people would be so happy just to have one child to call their own. I don’t have a right to such greed, to such a selfish request. I don’t have a right to feel this way when I am already so blessed.
But I do. Selfishly, I do.
I want more children.
Comments
All such thoughts have crossed my mind over the years, but I have always believed that God means for us to parent as a team, not as individuals. Maybe I'm wrong on that assumption. I attended a single parent's group at my church awhile ago and a single woman was in the process of adopting her second child and I was stunned with the idea. I realize I am a single parent now, but I guess I just believed that if God wanted me to have another, he'd bring the right man into my life to make it possible. I don't know anymore. Somedays I think I want children more than I want a spouse!!
Thanks for your kind words, they do not fall on deaf ears. Thanks, Wendy.