He's Not My Dad
I've been giving a lot of thought to relationships lately. As I creep up on the anniversary date that officially makes me divorced long than I was married, I am giving a lot of thought to the relationships I've had in my life.
I never thought I'd be single. Obviously not when I said my vows, but even when I got divorced, I believed within the next five years I would meet someone and get remarried. But here it is, eight years later and I'm still single.
There could be any number of reasons for that, and I don't mean to imply for a second that I don't love the life I have. I do, I really do. But I've begun to really seek God's answers on the topic. Should I look for a new relationship? Is that God's plan for my life? Does He have another intention for my future?
If I think about the idea of a relationship, I begin to wonder how it is that having dated at least a few men with some seriousness since my divorce, I have yet to have dated anyone that I thought was marriage material for me.
I put my analytical mind to it the last couple of weeks and I've realized something of interest.
None of the men that I have ever dated have been anything like my father.
Now, I know, it's perhaps just a cliche that daughters will look for a mate that has qualities like her dad. But I have a great dad. And I do, as I have now come to realize it, want a mate that is much like my father.
He's responsible, respectable. He is grounded in faith with deep-rooted morals. He understands his role as a provider, a leader of the household, the source of strength for his family. He's dependable. He's mature in all things. He handles his finances, his career, his projects, his home, his relationships with a well-thought out plan.
Things weren't always easy, I don't mean to imply that. But in the face of difficult challenges, my dad was strong. He thinks things through carefully. He chooses his words deliberately. You would never call my father 'rash'.
But none of the men that I have dated (nor the one that I married) are anything like this. When I realized this a bit ago, I was struck for the moment with such intensity of thought that I stood in the parking lot for a moment while the thought rolled over me.
Why would this be?
I'll save you the long version of it. It took me several days to really get a handle on why I think it has happened this way. I think, originally, I did think my ex-husband was all that my dad ever was. I did. With some differences, of course, but I did think there was more in common between the two than there were differences. But they are nothing at all alike. In every way I might list, they are two very good men, but two very different men.
But since my divorce, I have clearly not attracted the sort of man that I really do think is a good match for me. It's not that I think the sort of man my father is would necessarily please any wife. I'm sure there are some out there who want something different. But not me. The qualities I would list for a great mate, would be qualities you might use to describe Dad.
So back to the why.
I have come to realize I don't present myself the way I truly am.
That sounds bad, perhaps. I don't mean it that way. What I mean is, I'm quite emotional. I'm moody, tempermental. I'm more impulsive and spontaneous than I am responsible and well thought out. I'm responsible, yes, and I have a good work ethic, sure, but I tend to think about things with my heart far more than my head. I would give away more than I could afford to spend to charity for example if I wasn't careful.
But for the past 8 years or more, I've been a single mom. I became a working parent. I have had to pay all the bills, take care of the household, make parenting decisions alone. I have had to be responsible. I have to keep my finances in line. I have to think about my son's future, his college, his braces. I have to think about my career and give it thought and purpose. I can't just travel on a whim, or spend money as I would like to. And certainly just being in my late 30's means I need to be a bit more responsible than I might have been 10 years ago.
And I don't begrudge that part of my life at all.
But it changes how I come off to people. I come off as someone who is a planner, when in fact, I absolutely love last minute plans and get-aways. I used to love deciding at the last minute to go home for the weekend in college just to see my mom. Or driving 10 hours to Michigan without telling my sister I was coming. I would probably never have a retirement fund, a college fund and a savings account if I were not a parent. And I would never choose to be the one to pay the bills and balance the checkbook and deal with anything financial if I didn't have to. I would get Chinese take-out more often, I'd be the last one to bed, and I would probably beg to buy new couches even if we couldn't pay cash if I weren't so stuck on being responsible. And I'd probably have two more dogs, another cat and a rabbit even if I had to beg and cry crocodile tears to get my way.
I have dated a handful of men in the past eight years. And they have all been financially a mess. They have all been remarkably immature. Some hadn't been out of mom's reach far enough for long enough. They were bachelors for the most part, with no one else to think of. They were spontaneous. They were only concerned about the here and now. They came into the relationship loving the fact that I was the responsible, grounded one. I was the one who would say, no, let's stay in and make pizza so we can save some money. They seemed to adore the fact that I made them more responsible just by being with me. They were freed up to be the carefree one, knowing I had their back on all things responsible. They liked that I seemed to have all my stuff together, and a good head on my shoulders and my ducks in a row. Which is all good, and yet....
...it's not who I really am. And I get into these relationships and then I wonder how it is that I'm dating this man who aggrevates me so much. How could I have gotten involved with someone who can't keep money in his account? How could I even consider anything serious with this person who thinks they might just go to Miami for spring break, although they don't know any details and it's two weeks away? How can I plan for a future with someone who spends more money on his hobby than I did for my mortgage payment? Can I really be in love with someone who changes his mind on who he is going to vote for for President as he's walking in to the polling place? Can I ever envision myself with a man who steals decor off the wall of a restaurant because I admired it once?
How could I BE THE MOST RESPONSIBLE ONE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP?!?!
It's crazy if you know me.
Really.
(My dad and sister are nodding their heads right now.)
I want someone like my dad. Because it allows me to be the emotional one. It balances out my impulsiveness. It frees me up to be the good cop parent for a change. It's not that I want to throw all caution to the wind and just let someone else run my retirement fund or plan all our vacations a year in advance, but if I can partner my life up with someone, then I want a blend that allows me to relax and be myself and allows their strengths to be appreciated and enjoyed. We can't both be footloose and fancy free. But I'm getting rather tired of carrying the burden of being responsible alone.
Now, I just have to figure out how to meet a responsible, mature, dependable, moral man who isn't a complete bore. Dad? Could you give lessons?
I never thought I'd be single. Obviously not when I said my vows, but even when I got divorced, I believed within the next five years I would meet someone and get remarried. But here it is, eight years later and I'm still single.
There could be any number of reasons for that, and I don't mean to imply for a second that I don't love the life I have. I do, I really do. But I've begun to really seek God's answers on the topic. Should I look for a new relationship? Is that God's plan for my life? Does He have another intention for my future?
If I think about the idea of a relationship, I begin to wonder how it is that having dated at least a few men with some seriousness since my divorce, I have yet to have dated anyone that I thought was marriage material for me.
I put my analytical mind to it the last couple of weeks and I've realized something of interest.
None of the men that I have ever dated have been anything like my father.
Now, I know, it's perhaps just a cliche that daughters will look for a mate that has qualities like her dad. But I have a great dad. And I do, as I have now come to realize it, want a mate that is much like my father.
He's responsible, respectable. He is grounded in faith with deep-rooted morals. He understands his role as a provider, a leader of the household, the source of strength for his family. He's dependable. He's mature in all things. He handles his finances, his career, his projects, his home, his relationships with a well-thought out plan.
Things weren't always easy, I don't mean to imply that. But in the face of difficult challenges, my dad was strong. He thinks things through carefully. He chooses his words deliberately. You would never call my father 'rash'.
But none of the men that I have dated (nor the one that I married) are anything like this. When I realized this a bit ago, I was struck for the moment with such intensity of thought that I stood in the parking lot for a moment while the thought rolled over me.
Why would this be?
I'll save you the long version of it. It took me several days to really get a handle on why I think it has happened this way. I think, originally, I did think my ex-husband was all that my dad ever was. I did. With some differences, of course, but I did think there was more in common between the two than there were differences. But they are nothing at all alike. In every way I might list, they are two very good men, but two very different men.
But since my divorce, I have clearly not attracted the sort of man that I really do think is a good match for me. It's not that I think the sort of man my father is would necessarily please any wife. I'm sure there are some out there who want something different. But not me. The qualities I would list for a great mate, would be qualities you might use to describe Dad.
So back to the why.
I have come to realize I don't present myself the way I truly am.
That sounds bad, perhaps. I don't mean it that way. What I mean is, I'm quite emotional. I'm moody, tempermental. I'm more impulsive and spontaneous than I am responsible and well thought out. I'm responsible, yes, and I have a good work ethic, sure, but I tend to think about things with my heart far more than my head. I would give away more than I could afford to spend to charity for example if I wasn't careful.
But for the past 8 years or more, I've been a single mom. I became a working parent. I have had to pay all the bills, take care of the household, make parenting decisions alone. I have had to be responsible. I have to keep my finances in line. I have to think about my son's future, his college, his braces. I have to think about my career and give it thought and purpose. I can't just travel on a whim, or spend money as I would like to. And certainly just being in my late 30's means I need to be a bit more responsible than I might have been 10 years ago.
And I don't begrudge that part of my life at all.
But it changes how I come off to people. I come off as someone who is a planner, when in fact, I absolutely love last minute plans and get-aways. I used to love deciding at the last minute to go home for the weekend in college just to see my mom. Or driving 10 hours to Michigan without telling my sister I was coming. I would probably never have a retirement fund, a college fund and a savings account if I were not a parent. And I would never choose to be the one to pay the bills and balance the checkbook and deal with anything financial if I didn't have to. I would get Chinese take-out more often, I'd be the last one to bed, and I would probably beg to buy new couches even if we couldn't pay cash if I weren't so stuck on being responsible. And I'd probably have two more dogs, another cat and a rabbit even if I had to beg and cry crocodile tears to get my way.
I have dated a handful of men in the past eight years. And they have all been financially a mess. They have all been remarkably immature. Some hadn't been out of mom's reach far enough for long enough. They were bachelors for the most part, with no one else to think of. They were spontaneous. They were only concerned about the here and now. They came into the relationship loving the fact that I was the responsible, grounded one. I was the one who would say, no, let's stay in and make pizza so we can save some money. They seemed to adore the fact that I made them more responsible just by being with me. They were freed up to be the carefree one, knowing I had their back on all things responsible. They liked that I seemed to have all my stuff together, and a good head on my shoulders and my ducks in a row. Which is all good, and yet....
...it's not who I really am. And I get into these relationships and then I wonder how it is that I'm dating this man who aggrevates me so much. How could I have gotten involved with someone who can't keep money in his account? How could I even consider anything serious with this person who thinks they might just go to Miami for spring break, although they don't know any details and it's two weeks away? How can I plan for a future with someone who spends more money on his hobby than I did for my mortgage payment? Can I really be in love with someone who changes his mind on who he is going to vote for for President as he's walking in to the polling place? Can I ever envision myself with a man who steals decor off the wall of a restaurant because I admired it once?
How could I BE THE MOST RESPONSIBLE ONE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP?!?!
It's crazy if you know me.
Really.
(My dad and sister are nodding their heads right now.)
I want someone like my dad. Because it allows me to be the emotional one. It balances out my impulsiveness. It frees me up to be the good cop parent for a change. It's not that I want to throw all caution to the wind and just let someone else run my retirement fund or plan all our vacations a year in advance, but if I can partner my life up with someone, then I want a blend that allows me to relax and be myself and allows their strengths to be appreciated and enjoyed. We can't both be footloose and fancy free. But I'm getting rather tired of carrying the burden of being responsible alone.
Now, I just have to figure out how to meet a responsible, mature, dependable, moral man who isn't a complete bore. Dad? Could you give lessons?
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